I may be the most confident that I have ever been but the words of one single person (be it they are a significant person in my life) can turn my confidence on its tail in 2 seconds flat.
I could have 2 million strangers tell me that I’m looking much better and that I’m growing but the single hesitation or disapproving words from one of two people in my life can sting more than no else and leave me spiralling back into a place of anxiety and feeling self conscious.
Why is it that I can block others and not let those things affect me, but yet, the words of one person, albeit the fact that I know they are not what that person really feels (it is what comes out in the times of frustration/worry) literally breaks off a piece of me.
I know why. I want to make those around me happy. If they are not happy with me or nervous for me in any way, it makes me upset and anxious.
Now making a connection to the title of this post, don’t take this as me saying they need to keep their words to themselves BUT I think they also need to step back and realize how much influence they truly have on me. When they are feeling frustrated, don’t come at me with things like…
You’re not gaining
I see no difference
You’re not working hard
You don’t want to get better.
These are their worries. Their frustrations. Their expectations. It’s not fair for them to put those on me in such a negative way.
Again, these are frustrations coming out, but if you only knew how it affected me. These words make me not only turn on myself but also makes me angry.
Who are you to tell me I’m not trying? You’re not here to see me 90% of the time! Are you living in my body when I’m having a bad tummy day and the sight of food repulses me?
I have worked my ass off all year and I HAVE GROWN! I know I have. Both mentally and physically. I have grown.
I need to to protect myself better against the words of these influential people. I love them dearly and will obviously not separate myself from them but I need to somehow let those comments fly on past me better. Somehow, some way.
I’m happy with my progress. I still know I’m moving forward and that won’t change, but I am seeing a lot of great things. Somedays I wish things could progress a bit faster, yes, but I like to be happy with the movements I have made because I have worked DAMN hard for every millimetre of a step forward I have gained.
Don’t take that away from me. That’s not right of you to do.
Turn that on the other side…
I have come to notice more and more lately MY OWN influence on other people. I have never really felt like I’m a huge influencer more than I do now. I’m not trying to boost myself up here, I have just come to realize that I play a significant role in the growth of some other people I surround myself with.
I guess everyone has this role but when you come to realize that perhaps your words really stick with certain people, you need to be cautious with how you use that power.
I am a person that some choose to come to in times of distress for a listener and for advice.
I have come to be seen as an educated individual of sorts that people come to for knowledge.
People ask me what to do with certain things.
People see my passions and come to me for information and advice on that topic because they trust in the things I say.
This comes with a degree of pressure too! I’m happy with my knowledge base. I have built that. My education has helped, but the passion for my interests has led me into doing self-driven research and I have learned a lot on my own.
I have helped some people
They have thanked me with great sincerity for my time, knowledge and advice.
Despite being proud of how I have developed my craft, I always want to be better. I want to be ready for ANYTHING they come to me with.
I also want to be better at not forming expectations of people. I always have to work on pulling my own strong biases back. I never want to come off negative because I feel that something someone else is doing doesn’t align with what I think will help them.
It hurts and frustrates me when..
People say they want something but don’t do it
They don’t give 100% to something
They don’t own up to things
They don’t do all they can for their health…
The first and last things really get to me and sometimes I let it than come out at them as a response that perhaps appears disapproving or judgmental. I HATE this about myself. I yearn to build people up and love themselves and all they are!
I need to accept that other people may have different drives than me. They have different priorities than me and perhaps things that seem huge to me, are not that important to them (the health thing I just don’t get, but ..yeah..).
Bak to the main point…I have an influence on others. I know this role is clear. With that in mind, I need to control my own biases and realize that they are who they are and I need to be as supportive as I can even in times when they come to me for advice and than continue to do something I see as unproductive. I can’t let this anger or disappoint me because they need to follow their own path.
I’m getting better, but there is always room for growth.
I hope this post wasn’t too scattered, but this is what Thinking Out Loud is about right? Spewing my thoughts out in a post like throwing paint on a canvas right? Thanks Amanda, thank you for giving me a platform for being my own Picasso….
… and than attempting to understand my splatters.
Overall take home point:
Know your influence on others. You may not ask for this kind of power, but you have to take and roll with what you are given. You have the power to break a person or build them up. Ensure you’re doing the latter.