Lil Miss Fitness Freak

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"

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Emotionally Numb..TOL

Are you one of those people who knows something big is happening soon but don’t really feel it until the day of?

When that day comes, its like a bomb exploded instead of being a slow burning flame that will quietly simmer and then just fizzle out.

Sound dramatic?

As my undergrad comes to a close (2nd one, yay for year 7 of post-highschool schooling…) I have been pondering a lot of things lately, yet I feel almost unattached to the emotions I feel they should be associated with.

…maybe that is my first problem…overthinking..


I’m leaving my housemates. I know I’m going to cry the day of, I know it. I love these two girls and for now I just think that them leaving hasn’t hit me yet. I swear I have feelings..

I’m moving in with new housemates. I have met one of them and she’s so sweet and just like me in the sense that she appears to me like an ‘older soul’ and one who gets stuff done and is a respective and responsible person.

I have to go back home and work inside all summer long. I think this is the one that I have been the most vocal about. My job last summer was a dream. I spend my days outside, I did my research at night and I was the most relaxed I had ever been I felt. this was a true blessing because I was sick (Read: infested without knowing it) at the time and although I was struggling with it, I don’t know how bad it would have gotten if I hadn’t have been so free and care-free.

I’m having to leave my second family (my gym fam) for the whole summer because I have to go home. This may seem silly to many of you, but I feel a certain ‘place’ there. I’m known and I just feel at home there. My friends are there. Friends who share my interests and can gab for days about all the things I love. My people live and breathe there just like me. It may only be for 4 months, but its just another thing I’m leaving…

My Masters is apparently going to be a crazy time. From placements to my masters, I have so much to do in a whole 3 semesters and I weirdly feel calm. I’m excited for my placements but I know that so much change is about to occur and at this point and ‘calmness’ I don’t know how the initial days are going to fare with such a change to my normal scheduling.

….After my Masters, life hits you like a bag of bricks….


Should I think about where I want to live as an adult?

How am I going to afford a place to live when I’m done. I’m not going back home right? I can’t, I just can’t. But a place…On my own…Am I ready for that? Can I even think about affording that?

I don’t even know how to do my own taxes for gods sake!

And all I have to say for myself at the moment is I feel nothing. I’m not sad. I’m not worried and I’m not (consciously at least) anxious about it.

That in itself makes me worried because when it all hits me, I don’t know how I’m going to react. That is a lot of change. And I, mentally and physically (heres pointing at your stomach of hell), don’t do well with change.

How do I prepare if I feel nothing?

Am I somehow able to suppress all feelings because I’m overwhelmed with all the change that is imminent? 

I dunno.

I guess for now I need to just continue to focus on my exams and when two weeks from now comes up and I’m hugging my housemates and saying goodbye, I will just have to accept what happens is what I need to have happen. There is no planning that can be done, just let the feels be feels.

On a side note, I really want a dog. Like I’m not kidding guys, I really want one. Enough so that stuffed animals have become appealing to me in large ways.


That nose freckle is shining bright..

I have this emptiness (which I think is a want for a romantic relationship…) that I need to fill with something and as much as I love my new Chester, this void is still burning deeper, but I suppose that is not in my control either. There is a time and a place for being single, growing and self-loving. I have done that. Why is it that when you are finally feeling confident in yourself and what you deserve AND you are ready and wanting to give yourself and your love to someone else that there is nothing to be found?

Le sigh. I digress…

Guess it also doesn’t help my mood that my stomach is being a terror with my exams…despite said feelings of nothingness. What else is new. Are you almost healed yet…?

To conclude I just want to say that no I’m not sad or anything like that, I’m a very happy person, these are just some thoughts rolling through my forever active mind and I think I’m simply suppressing feelings at the moment. Please don’t think I’m depressed or anything as that is far from true. 


How do you respond to major life changes?

Do you feel ready to take on the world after your education?

Thanks to Amanda and her link-up party for my thoughts to dance in.




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Sunday Feelz…Update On Moi

Hiya Friends,


Hope you all are having a great weekend thus far and enjoy a nice lazy Sunday. I’m currently enjoying my first morning at the parents house and I’m  off to the gym in a little bit but I just wanted to give a short lil post about where I am currently as some people have been asking lately.

You know I like to be honest and open with you in my journey and struggles, so I feel as if I need to keep you all in the loop and I want to share! Although I do hate over talking about myself so I will keep it short and sweet.

Just like me…sorry I had to. 🙂

So, what’s been up with me and my health as of late?

Well, it has been officially about 6 months since I started working with my coach and have been increasing my intake. Although I will not post how much I have increased it, is quite a bit and as far as my weight, although many of you may not think this is a large enough amount, but I have gained about 4 pounds in that time.

Yes, I know weight gain is my goal, but keep in mind my frame. Four pounds may seem small for an average person along 6-7 months of eating in a surplus, but I’m 5’0 and under 100lbs so that is actually decent. Especially so because of the way my body works (ie. my fast metabolism) and my training. I just wanted to put that into perspective.

Despite me saying that, I feel no need justify myself to anyone. I’m moving forward in not only weight and strength, but my health is on point for the most part, my psychological health is improving and overall I just feel better.

So in order to keep it brief, I will put some of these things below in bullet form because that ensures I don’t over chat about them. 


~I get my vitals done twice monthly to ensure that inner things are all good. All of them are good and normal for me. Heart rate is in athletic range and my BP is good for me (low, but that has been normal for my whole life).

~I get blood work done along with an ECG also about 2 times a month to check the minerals, vitamins and such. Both are good with one lil issue right now being my urea is too high, suggesting that my intake of protein is quite high and possibly I’m a bit dehydrated because of it. NOTE that this is not going to hurt my kidneys, high protein intake doesn’t cause harm but instead can aggravate if previous kidney problems, which I don’t have, are present.

~TMI for guys, so skip it, but I still suffer from amenorrhea. This is going to come back with time and although I’m going to get major slack for saying this, but I’m trying not to sweat it too much. YES I want it back because it’s important not only for fertility but also for a bunch of other things (hello bone health, etc) and tells me that I’m in good general health BUT I also know that weight gain is a process and over stressing about it is just not going to help. SO, yes I am working to get it back, but I have to let my body determine when it will trust me to that degree again.

~My stomach has been a BITCH. Excuse my language, but my IBS has been the worst it has ever been. I knew going into this ‘bulk’ that it wouldn’t be happy but I never knew how much it would be aggravated and how much that would affect my mood and body image issues. Thankfully, my doctor has given me something to help with digestion (Domperidone) and OMG that has made things so much better. I only take about 1/3 of the recommended dose but that alone has really helped me feel normal to an extent.

NOTE that this is nothing like laxative or anything else that can lead to dependency. You can stop taking it at any time, it has no consequences/side effects and has been said to be one of the most useful tools for those undergoing re-feeding.

What about Training?

I have always been up front and honest with you all about my refusal to give up on my training and I stand by that. My health and weight is improving right along with my training so I’m not planning on stopping or slowing my pace any time soon. I know I may get some judgement for that, but I’m just being honest. Training is my passion and it’s not going anywhere.

It is my mental clarity.

My stress relief

It gives me goals to focus on through the hard times of this process.

It’s just part of me. I’m stronger then I have ever been and if you see me train you can see my love for it (I have been actually told that).

So please, do not tell me I should cut back or worst yet, stop, until I’m ‘better.’ I’m getting  better on both sides. Health and the gym are both improving simultaneously. I’m not being stubborn here, I’m being a realist. I need it to keep me going and, quite frankly, it keeps me happy. This process is hard and somedays knowing that I get that gym time gets me through it.

That aside, I said my strength has increased?

Oh yes, that food has gone to work for sure. I think that my strength has gone up a lot faster then my weight and I’m seeing muscle starting to come back and it’s just further pushing me to keep going.

I want more.

So here are some highlights.

My back squat has gone from 95lbs to 135lbs for equal reps (about 5ish on a good day)

My front squat has surpassed my previous from when I was heavier. (about 105lbs for 5)

My bench is back at body weight. I want to push this further but I also know that bench is very much affected by body weight in most people, so keep trekkin.

Pull-ups have gone from about 5-6 back up to almost 10 depending on grip despite the slight weight increase.

Overhead press dipped down to 35lbs but is now back up to where it was previously at 50lbs. <- OHP is one of the hardest movements for me so bare with me. It’s progress.

The one lift I’m frustrated with is deadlifts. Granted I haven’t done them for a long time (shameful for a ‘gymrat’ I know), but I’m stuck at just above bodyweight right now. There is something I’m not doing right with my form I’m sure so it’s something to look into if I want to improve.

So yeah, in both my mental and physical health, I’m progressing forward. I cannot thank all of my supporters more for what they have done for me during this process and moving forward, I know that things can only get better. I have a sense of mental clarity and peace more so then ever. I’m seeing more and more what makes me happy and branching out to explore more.

So overall I’m happier, have more energy and am just enjoying life much more. It makes me very happy to hear others see that too because hearing that you are glowing is much better then ‘are you okay?’

That is one of the best changes thus far.

And throwing up an end of the post cheesy flex-it pic just because I feel you need to see something and I’m starting to like my shoulders more…



Before you say it…booty growth is my biggest goal. 😉

And now I’m embarrassed ha! Signing off! It’s my favourite time. Gyyyymmmin.

Much love friends!



I Owe You An Update…

The title says it all. I had gone MIA on you all once again. Man this semester is really killing my bloggin game. Don’t they care that I have readers to amuse, huh?

Guess not.

My apologies but you know…#StudentLife.


So on this lovely Friday let me fill you in a lil bit.

1. Gainz

***Trigger Warning. I will be expressing thoughts that may make some feel uncomfortable. Please note that I am aware these are not healthy or rational thoughts but I’m just wanting to express to you how I felt at the time***

So yes, I have officially put on a pound or two with my coach. That may not seem like a lot based on how long I have been working away at it with him but you have to understand that when your metabolism is high and your workouts are tough, just getting the scale to tip over the edge is really really hard. You need a lot more food then you think just to make it budge.

I have made it past a number of fears.


~Eating rice cakes before bed.

~Eating more peanut butter then I ever imagined. I love peanut butter but I always had this rule that I was only allowed 2 tbsp a day (ie. a serving on the label). Still working with that fear….my last addition via my coach was “Let’s just add 3-4 tbsp of nut butter this week. You love the stuff right?” Uggghhh I love it but that much scares the crap out of me.

I’m still dealing with challenges associated with the weekly increases that has has me doing.

~Having my weekly ‘cheatmeal’ errrr.. treat meal despite always being bumped calories. My head tells me to feel bad for having my ice cream for example because I’m already in a surplus so you don’t need it. Bad Chelsea.

I still have issues with not feeling in control.

And yes, I did in fact have a pretty nasty melt down when I saw that scale shift.

Rationally I know that is the plan. Rationally I know I need it and I DO WANT IT. I really do want to look healthier! I want to fill out my lil fitness freak booty. I want my cheeks to fill out more. I want to look like I lift and gain back the strength I lost for gawds sake, which you cannot do when you are too lean. But the increase in the number shook me and sent my mind into a state of mixed thoughts along with some tears and unfortunate body checking and poking…

Where is it??? Look that part’s softer…Is that a lump?! OMG I’m gunna get fat!

I have always told you that I don’t like the scale and it’s useless. Truth is…that still stands true. The scale means nothing. It is not a measure of anything really because you can gain weight but looker leaner (hello muscle mass!) and then it just messes with your mind.

That in mind, I felt as if I needed to check once and a while to ensure I wasn’t loosing any more weight and also to know when I started to gain so I could say I was going up. It didn’t really phase me. Yes, the number I saw was much too low and I knew it, but I was not mentally prepared for how I would feel if it actually moved up.

That day came and I broke. I cried. I failed didn’t hit my increase that week because I automatically assumed that because I gained I was just going to stock pile fat on myself because apparently thats what happens when I’m talking about my own body.


I still struggle with thinking that somehow my body is different then others. Others will be fine, but I will become hideous or something. I dunno. Again, irrational. I need to take my own advice and know that I’m getting healthy because I’m NOT healthy right now.

Instead I need to focus on the positives. I’m getting stronger again in the gym and I’m loving it.

I PR’ed today finally hitting my 1.5 times my body weight back squat again. I lit up like a firecracker. 

That week was rough but I have accepted it and my dietician spoke to me about the body dysmorphia aspect. Not that I should be trying to rationalize the gain in any way but it will probably be a long time before weight will begin to really show on me because my low body fat percentage means that my organs and vital tissues need a lil bit of assistance first before some of those superficial things.

…When you get an error message stepping on a bioimpediance scale (measures your body fat %) you know that you’re too low…

I know that scale is not the most accurate but still…an error message!?! and that was three meals in…

Anyways, onto bigger and better things and on to more muscle! I’m gaining my friends and that just means I’m getting healthier and working towards my fitness goals.

2. I got a job!

A research job…that isn’t volunteering…in my field!! I found that at my school they offer URA research projects for students in various departments over the summer months. They pay just like any full time job, actually more in my case because rather then minimum wage I’m getting $11.50/hour, and you are doing research for a prof or Ph.D student on campus. How much of an awesome opportunity it that!

Anyways, although that means that I will have to stay in Guelph and not live at home all through the summer, I am excited that I get this chance to do some research as it will help me work towards my career goals.

3. Hell week is upon us…

Yes, my restaurant (the one I keep complaining about) is this Tuesday. Its starts at the crack of dawn (7:45am) Monday morning on campus with receiving our ingredients (and hopefully not being yelled at all morning…that has happened to multiple groups) and continues all day with prepping the food for the actual service Tuesday morning/afternoon. Tuesday we are back in at the crack of dawn for set up, more prep and getting our **it together before service begins at 11:30am. After 2:30 when class is done, we get our review and grade then while many would crack a bottle of wine, I’m going to hit the gym and then go home and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night because I will deserve it after little to no sleep and yelling for 48 hours.

Crossing our fingers it goes well.

Anyways my lovely friends, I’m sorry again that I really have been absent this semester.

It’s not you its me.

I hope to chatter with you more and bring back more information posts as things die down a bit.

I’m off to take my ice cream filled belly to beddies

Nite Nite all!



Mishmash Thursdays…Thinking Out Loud

Friends, Friends, Friends!

It’s been over a week I know I know, but remember I mentioned that the restaurant course was taking over my life…yeah. Meant I had no life.

For one, I wanted to chuck my phone out the window. No joke.

Yeah… don’t think it’s possible for any teen or early adult to hate their phone with a passion? Think again.


How would you feel if your messenger was legit buzzing 4 times before you could even answer the first message….

Cue in my restaurant course’s first assignment and my life basically all last week until we finally handed that fat stack of papers this Tuesday in lab

I now have a slight twitch going on whenever I hear my phone vibrate. A week of 24 hour buzzing really messes with you mind.

2. Tummy Troubles. 

On top of that stress, I also had a major shift in my meal plan, which subconsciously always leads to a lot of anxiety for me. This has left my stomach less then happy. I will say it’s getting a bit better now that I’m going through the days but to be honest I feel like **it right now. The days leading up to the start date alway freak me out and that starts the tummy, while actually starting to do it, I have to physically adjust and right now food is not that appealing. I know things are bad when my beloved oatmeal is not making me sing.

Plus tummy stress, which leads to digestive issues is not a good thing for when you’re needing to eat more…

Good thing for me, I think my stress levels are coming down so hopefully over the next few days it will be back to normal…until the next change. -_-

3. Withdrawals

Speaking of my meal plan change, my favourite snack was removed (midnight snack of questbar and pudding was switched for whole foods). I’m only a few days in and I’m already going through withdrawals. Thankfully my rest day was not touched by my coach so I get it once a week, but for real peeps, I didn’t realize just how much I loved that snack. My nightly night cap come back to me!

Do you know how hard it is to see my various boxes of Questies and cannot eat them?! Dyyyyyiiinng.

4. Amazing shows.

I dunno what you all watch, but a few of my shows have been legit amazing as this week.

Code Black had an epic ending, Chicago fire my Mom told me was amazing so I watched that yesterday night and yes I have to agree. Masterchef Junior was the finale this week (I totally called it!)

Also a new #GuiltyPleasure added to my list of Slice shows (i.e. things like the housewives and such that are stupid yet entertaining) is the Newlyweds: The First Year. Will they make it or break it?

5. Speaking of shows…

The end of My Diet is Better Then Yours was last week as well and once again I totally called it. The Superfoods diet took the cake and I can’t say I was surprised. Of any diet (not that you should be on a diet!) was much more realistic in the long run.

Main Idea: taking your everyday foods and simply swapping ingredients out for more nutrient dense foods. For example, adding some vegetables (hiding them) in a sauce. Swapping whole grain for white. Stuff like that.

Shockers with the end of this show was that some of the behind the scene issues reared their ugly head

  • The fact that Kurt was taking in like 1000 calories on the Wild Diet. They talked about how they would slowly introduce more carbohydrates in addition to the fact that foods he ate just really filled him up so he didn’t need as much food. Ummm I’m sorry a 5o something year old man who isomer 6 feet tall should not be taking in that lil number of calories. How sustainable is that despite him saying he has never felt better….
  • Personal issues erupted with one of the ladies and led to her leaving the show. If weight loss is your goal, other major obstacles (in her case separation from her wife and lack of support during this transition) can lead to your goals being left unmet. If you’re vulnerable you need support and this perfectly highlighted just how important that is.
  • One positive was the fact that factors other then food and exercise were highlighted on the “No Diet” as sleep and stress were tackled and showed positive benefits on his weight loss journey.

6. Speaking of dieting…

Interesting study done at my previous university, McMaster, on the age old question…

Can you loose weight and gain muscle at the same time?

You have always heard, and I have preached, that you cannot do the both at the same time but this study done at McMaster says the opposite. They felt that you could loose weight while sustaining your muscle mass or even increasing it at the same time provided you had both a high protein intake and intense physical activity

A group of males followed a restricted calorie diet + intense physical activity for a total of 4 weeks and here were the results:

~Weight loss of 11-12 pounds on average

~Muscle gain of 2-3lbs, which they interpreted as yes they gained muscle but then the majority of weight loss was then fat

~They concluded that protein is then key during weight loss to sustain muscle BUT so is exercise as even those in the lower protein diet group showed very lil muscle loss

So how would you take that? Can you then gain muscle and loose fat at the same time? They showed evidence of this, but I’m still skeptical as this study only had young male subjects and so we can’t really generalize anything at this point.

ALSO keep in mind this line

Of course, by the end of the month, none of the men wished to continue. This type of extreme calorie cutting combined with intense exercise “is not a sustainable program in the long term,” Dr. Phillips said. “It’s more a kind of boot camp,” he said, manageable in the short term by people who are very committed and generally very healthy.

It mentioned that all they could think about was food. High intensity exercise + restricted diets is a recipe for disaster. It is not long term at all.

So I’m still sticking to the notion that you cannot do both. Muscle needs food to grow which means a calorie surplus, not a deficit which is needed for weight loss. Eat to grow ain’t a huge hashtag for nothin.

7. Roll Up the Rim is Back at Timmies


Failed thus far, but lets see if that daily tea brings me some winnings 😉

DAMMIT that just reminded me that I threw my cup out today without rollin it up….fail. 

8. This list of quotations.

Click here.

This page is actually the deepest life quotations I have read…

13.  Do not carry broken people who are not in the process of rebuilding themselves.

That one really hit me for some reason. And I just had to share this one:

19.  You are inherently valuable.  You have worth.  Ask no one for permission.

9. We are going out for burgers tomorrow…

As much as those things (the Works elk burger) were delicious I have been actively trying to find an excuse to get out of it if I’m being completely honest with you all. Every time I eat I just remember how full I was after that burger and due to fullness and constant heartburn I’m feeling over the past 2 days due to my meal plan boost, I’m just feeling not so excited despite remembering how yummy it was. Legit I feel like every night is going to suck. No Questbars. No Pudding. Heartburn. Fish. Ugh.

I hope that changes, fast! I don’t want to hate food.

In light of that…

10. It’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week Feb 1-7th!

Check out this video that debunks a lot of the myths and lies surrounding eating disorders as many are still ignorant to what really surrounds this horrible disease. 

Eating disorders are NOT CHOICE

It’s harder then just eating more food.

Anorexia is one of the top killers due to mental illness.

Check out the National Eating Disorder Information Centre (or NEDIC) for more resources and information

And that’s me just Thinking Out Loud with the best of them over on Amanda’s page.


Join the thinkers and check out what they are sayin

As part of ED awareness week, lets spread the self love. State 3 things you love about your body. I love my tiny nose, my big brown eyes and I truly have learned to love being petite as it makes me feel more feminine like a doll.



The Only Voice That Should Never Speak

Screen shot 2015-02-27 at 9.40.10 AMClick on the thumbnail for the link to the video.

This is an amazing video to really sum up the points of this post friends. There have been many posts floating around the foodie blogger world lately all related to NEDA week

And I’m not trying to just jump on the bandwagon here. I truly think that being aware of this growing issue is very important. Eating disorders are so often misunderstood and judged as simply a choice or a cry for attention but the real issues are much, much deeper then that.

I have a very hard time looking past peoples judgements of this awful disorder due to lack of understanding, but perhaps that is because I know so much about the psychology behind these disorders and mental illness in general. I will say that I hope you choose to educate yourself rather then make hurtful judgments and comments because an eating disorder is not as simple as someone refusing to eat. Here’s a lil list of factoids for ya to show you just how serious and HARD this illness really is.

Did you know?

  • As far as total deaths related to mental illness, eating disorders are the number one killer of adolescent girls. It is estimated that 10% of individuals with [anorexia] will die within 10 years of the onset of the disorder (NEDIC, 2014).
  • There are line-ups of emaciated and dying boys and girls to get treatment. We just don’t have enough services to help all of the individuals plagued by this disorder.
  • Its not always all about food. Most often it has to do with control. Many individuals use food as their way to control something when they perceive the rest of their lives to be out of their control. Family issues is a common contributing factor to eating disorder tendencies.
  • It’s not a female issue. More and more males are being affected as well.
  • Those haunted by this disorder are truly haunted. There is a point where rational thought has left the individual and they are simply unable to truly see themselves as sick and unable to fight back the voice (compulsions) that is making them present the disordered behaviours

For more stats and tidbits, visit NEDIC here.

To follow-up that last point, I just want to add that THAT is why you cannot and should not judge an individual inflicted with an eating disorder (or any mental illness). It is not their choice. They have not chosen to harm their bodies in the manner that they do. They are simply not strong enough emotionally to fight back against the obsessive compulsive nature of the disorder.

They are literally in a battle with their own head. Do you know how hard it would be to try to turn your thoughts off? How exhausting that would be? Think about that for a second.

I have a lot of experience with eating disorders….

  • I have done research on children’s eating disorders during my first undergrad degree at McMaster University.
  • My thesis was on Binge Eating Disorder (BED).
  • I have many friends who have and, unfortunately, continue to, suffered with the grips of this disorder.
  • And well, I have a secret that I’m finally ready to share with you guys..

I apologize that they are so long (both part 1 and part 2) but that’s because they were difficult for me to record and because they are never scripted. I just let my thoughts flow. Click on the thumbnails for access to the videos. I hope you stick around for the full run through, but I can understand if 20 minutes is too long for you.

NEDA symbol part 1

And part 2, once again, clicky on the thumbnail. NEDA symbol part 2I have held this back for so long not because I’m ashamed of what I went through, because I’m not, but rather, because I have been afraid of what my friends (who I didn’t know through the ordeal) would think of me once they knew. I was afraid that they would think of me differently. Perhaps, they would speak to me differently or feel the need to not say certain things around me if it at all relates to eating disorders or body image related things.

I guess I was afraid to be seen as a victim of sorts because I’m not.

Yes I went through hell and back. Yes, I hit rock bottom in my life, but you know what?

That was ONE part of my life and for it, I’m a much stronger person. As I mentioned in my video, I have grown so much from that experience because I learned more about myself and my abilities during that struggle then I have throughout my whole life.

I am me because of that event. I am me because I made it through. I fought and I fought damn hard. I pulled through. I lived.

Yes, I continue to fight that voice every day because it never fully shuts up no matter how ‘recovered’ one is. He still likes to creep in when I’m vulnerable (like during exam stress) and make me feel small and weak again. When that happens it’s my job now to know that my body gave me a second chance to live and I’m not letting anything take that away from me.  I have worked too hard for that.

I also have help. I have my friends and my family there even when they don’t know it to help get me through those tougher times when I’m feeling overwhelmed. For that, I can never give enough thanks.

I also have you guys. This lil blog spot where I can say what I’m feeling is such a release for me and it only makes me even more happy that I can relate to you and help any of you beautiful people in any way. You too are my support system and for that as well, I thank you.

I can only hope that now that you understand my quirks and know that I am here to provide a listening ear to anyone who is struggling and needs help. No one is ever alone! I also hope you all know how much you mean to me. After all, I just spilled the biggest and hardest secret of my life to the world to you all and I hope that I haven’t scared you away. I’m human just like all of you and have my own struggles and my own demons to deal with. The main point is that I’m trying, forever growing and striving to reach a point where I can finally say….

I hope that this post has resonated with you all and please please please promise me that before you start to form a judgement about anyone with a mental illness, stop and think about why you are doing that. In most cases, you will come to realize that you are judging simply because you don’t understand and we don’t like to feel like we don’t know something.

Much love and thank you again for always being an amazing audience to share my thoughts and feelings with.


Here is an interesting article to read up if you’re interested. Also, never be shy to chatter back at me in the comments.

Pause. Hover over submit. Take a deep breath. Publish. Done.



The Only Marvelous Thing Snow Can Do


 Sorry to the London folks who apparently like 3 feet of snow and were expected to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed in class this morning

#Fail. And I’m sorry but I LOL’ed pretty hard at this tweet.

So I decided to swing in on the Marvelous In My Monday linkup with a quicky lil post. Thanks to Katie for the linkup!

As much as I hate snow…and the cold in general…there are some Marvelous things about snow. In particular, what Marvelous things come with a snow day you ask?

1. Empty gyms are Marvelous


Yeah, it was like 1/2 employees and 1/2 members this morning no joke.

Except when you need a spotter... You see, although I wouldn’t skip anyways, I see these days off as an even bigger push to go because, well, what else are ya gunna do when everything is slow and closed other then my school work?

Permission to hog the squat rack for my entire workout granted cuz not ones there to care. 😉

2. Pj’s all day

Ok that is nothing new for me. #NoShame.

3. Family dinners!

Sorry Patty…

Sat down with my housemates for a lovely family din-din with Millionaire Matchmaker

4. Get to do things you didn’t think you had time for.

You know how you justify not doing your work because you would have been in class anyways? Yeah.. I made my pesto. It’s a big job okee. 😀

5. Skip out on the busiest day of my school week.

Lab cancelled weeeooo.

6. I get to make new Vlogs and chatter with you all!

Dont let your mind win thumbnailClicky on the thumbnail for the video. 😀

NOTE! The intent of this video was for getting past that mental barrier not about never skipping a gym session. I’m one that rarely misses a day, but that’s me doing me. Please don’t feel like I’m trying to make people feel bad if they don’t do the same. This was just something I wanted to share with you all to show that everyone has days where they struggle and how I personally got past it. XO

Well there’s no snow day expected for tomorrow and a 5:30am alarm with my name on it so I gots to go. Hope you enjoyed something Marvelous of your own today. If you did, share it with me in the comments. 🙂

Happy Monday friends



I’m Nom Nom Nommin…WIAW

Hey Friends!

In light of my new challenge (ie. increasing my calories) I figured that for this weeks WIAW I would show you how I am workin in those extra calories. Over the past few weeks I have surprisingly actually been able to steadily increase my calories and not feel like the cat in the picture above. Another surprise? I have been feeling just as hungry for the most part. Perhaps my body had slowed my metabolism down to compensate for not getting enough fuel? When I think about it, that is a real possibility. I was not eating drastically low amounts during the day, just apparently not enough to properly re-fuel after my strenuous workouts + running around at work. So, in spite of my fears, things are going ok. I honestly believe that this change in going more smoothly due to me taking the time to properly space out these extra calories so that I never feel like I am over stuffing myself. I also made sure that my snacks were the first to get hit rather than my meals. In any case, that’s my lil update and now lets get on with the show! Don’t forget to check out all of the other partay peoples over at Jen’s site Peas and Crayons

Peas and Crayons

My breakfasts have not changed drastically as they are already pretty calorie and carbohydrate dense (gym fuel!) but here are some I enjoyed this week:

PB and J chunks, banana and a lil ol'blob of my crunchy PB. Peanut Butta-licious!

PB and J chunks, banana and a lil ol’blob of my crunchy PB. Peanut Butta-licious!

Love that Quest Protein Bread!

Love that Quest Protein Bread!

IMG_1541Let’s stop right there ….This last one needs to be talked about. Why did it never occur to me to bake my questie pieces before putting them in my proats?!?!? Delicious! Thanks to a fellow friend on IG for this inspiration. I mean come on look at it!

IMG_1544Baked, ooey gooey goodness with a lil crunch from the crispy outer shell. I die. A must try for sure!

Anyways, overall my proats got an additional lil bit of oats added to them but that was pretty much it. This brings them up just over 50g of carbs to fuel me through my morning sweat sessions. As for rest days, I have up’ed their carbs a wee bit as well with the addition of Gogi berries. Say yay for superfoods!

Mess in a bowl...

Mess in a bowl…

Excuse the mess but this is actually how I eat my oatmeal (after my pretty picture attempt). Everything is all mixed in (in this case the heated, melty strawberres and gogi berries) EXCEPT for my peanut butta ski hill which I take from occasionally to mmmmmm-ify my spoonfuls.

This beauty graced my plate on leg day...

Cookie Dough delight!

Cookie Dough delight!

Recipe to come for my Cookie Dough and Banana Baked Protein Oatmeal

For my lunches, the switch up involved my sweet taters

PicMonkey Collage lunchI have switched back to using mostly regular sweet potatoes rather than all Japanese purple sweet taters as they are higher in carbs. The reason I switched in the first place was because the white ones have less sugar than our normal orange varieties BUT now that I needed an increase I started to wonder why I was worried about this… After all, they are being eaten shortly after my long gym sessions AND I don’t really eat that much natural sugar for the rest of the day anyways. I’m starting to realize those numbers are haunting me a lil bit.

For my rest days, lunch was my biggest challenge as this was the meal I had skimped the most in terms of carbs. Surprisingly, adding back those carbs I took out wasn’t as hard or as heavy as I expected. I don’t have many pictures due to most of my rest day lunches being at work, but here’s one from yesterday…

IMG_1578Big ol’e salad with roasted sweet taters (not squash) for my carb add-ins and the normal roasted and raw medley of veggies +

IMG_1581A homemade beef burger topped with 1/4 ounce of light goat cheese, sundried tomatoes, steamed mushrooms, pesto, mustard and tabasco. Soo good! Red meat is really something I should eat more of for the iron but I have grown to be more picky about my meats as of late. If buying red meat I really want it to be organic at least (free-range would be even better) which sometimes makes it tricky to eat it every week. Not to mention Fortino’s has had huge slabs of trout on sale for the past few weeks and those sing to me more than beef….I also have never in my life picked up a pack of ground beef as I always thought it was full of fat and just plain gross. This week though I happened to spot a pack of organic extra lean (6g of fat!) ground beef on sale and decided to snatch it up to make something nice for my rest day (ie. higher fat day). No regrets with the outcome of that purchase. 😀

Normally, due to being at work and having to stuff my face in secret, I have been making chicken and veggie wraps and quesadilla’s using Ezekiel Sprouted Grain Wraps for my lunches.

Dinna has been similar to lunch where I tend to have to replace some of my beloved kabocha with a higher carb alternative. In addition, due to the calories going being readjusted in all my macros (not just in my carbs), my fats have also increased and have generally been finding their way into my dinners. For example, for a date night with my boyfriend I made us up this lovely plate of noms:

IMG_1569Seared tuna steak with 3 seared scallops (OMG my fave!), roasted kabocha AND butternut squash (higher carb) and sauteed garlic broccoilini. This was soo yummy BUT I’m not a huge fan of the butternut squash so I might have to try another squash type and see how I like that one. Kabocha just cannot be beat!

So let’s recap real quick:

Breakfast….Carbs ^ slightly

Lunch…. Carbs ^

Dinner….Carbs ^ slightly, fats ^

All…protein has increased slightly

So now lets look at where my biggest changes have happened….my snacks. In particular my afternoon mugcake has gotten a lil make over for extra carbs and fat…

recycled picture... sorry always eaten at work

recycled picture… sorry always eaten at work

…through adding in coconut flour. So now, here’s my new recipe:

1 tbsp oats

1 tbsp coconut flour

3/4 scoop of chocolate whey (I use my Probiotic New Zealand Whey in Swiss Chocolate)

1 egg white (2 tbsp of liquid egg whites)

2 tsp Barleans Omega Swirl fish oils

2 tbsp unsweetened almond milk

2-4 tbsp of water (depends on your whey powder) to get a thick consistency that still moves a lil bit

cinnamon to taste

Microwave for about 1:30 or until just firm (don’t dry out! Top will still be a lil bit moist), plop onto a plate and nom away 🙂

Bakers best friend!…or biggest frustration

Coconut flour does wonders for the texture and density as it makes baked goods more cakey. Despite these good qualities, it does has a reputation for being incredibly difficult to cook/bake with as it requires a lot of ‘moisturizers’ and gentle care to ensure that it stays moist and together. So far, I have found great success using it in pancakes and mugcakes.

My nightly snack has also taken a hit BUT in a very tasty way. This snack is now for the purposes of topping up any macros that I have failed to meet during the day. This mostly means adding more fat but some days (particularly restdays) it also means a lil carbs have to sneak in there too. So how do I do this?

IMG_1583By adding an extra 1/2 tbsp of peanut butta to my casein puddin and 1/4 of a Quest bar. Although I really enjoy this snack (how could I not?), it was tough for me at first (and remains to be) to have the quest bar too as not only do I have this deep fear of carbs at night but I also feel like I’m not eating clean because there is a lot of peanut butta there + a delicious melty questie. I know, I know I shouldn’t feel any guilt but I can’t help but think that my macro increase should not be with tasty things because extra tasty things must mean that I will ultimately get fat. Please excuse the negativity and fear-talk but these are deeply rooted in my brain and will take a lil bit to work their way out. Give me some time.

So that just about sums it all up. Feel free to comment because although I made it sound like this was all easy peasy, it is still a struggle for me and all the extra support would be sooo appreciated! 😀

Do you struggle with any food related fears?

Every tried using coconut flour? Were you successful?

Happy Hump Day!


Perseverance. It’s always darkenss before the storm.