So after a slightly traumatizing event (insert jaw break) and a medical-forced eternal rest time from my favourite place (insert picture of Chelsea lifting weights in her dreams), I have finally made it back to my happy place…
After just a week and a half back in I can say I have felt a bunch of mixed emotions..
~Frustrated because I’m not as strong as I was and that before my accident I had just reached my goal of my 2BW back squat. Looking at that weight and where I’m at right now, it looks impossible to reach again.
~Elated. The first day I stepped back I was anxious because I was afraid of my weaker and tired body but also relieved because it was a weird sense of painless-ness. My jaw didn’t hurt because honestly I was so focused on just breathing in my second home again that I didn’t think about it much.
~Supported. As I mentioned in my previous posts, the love of everyone in wishing me back and checking up on me was overwhelming in the best way.
~Determined. I know my strength will come back. I have done this before. I have fought worse battles than this, I will get there again.
The biggest thing that I can say I took from all of this is that I truly understand my relationship with the gym. I need it, but not for what you may think.
Can I say I was (and still am…) addicted to the gym? 100% yes, but let me explain…
I used to think that my fear of not going was simply because I felt I would get fat and soft (sorry if that is triggering to anyone, I’m being honest here). I wanted to go because of my passion, I truly did, but the fear of missing a day was mostly based off of that.
The other fear was because my stomach is such a mess right now, consistency is what I lived to try to keep it somewhat happy. If I didn’t go to the gym, I didn’t know WHEN to eat, WHAT to eat and if I would ever get hungry at all! From my past, I’m left with a huge fear of stuffing or force feeding myself and the past year of struggling with this unknown GI distress has had me doing that a lot.
The difference post accident is that I had no “purpose” or reason to tell myself I had to do it. I wasn’t doing it to ensure I had fuel for my lift. Yes I realize I needed to be eating for recovery and repair, but stick with me here. How was I supposed to tell myself I had to eat when I wasn’t hungry when I couldn’t really ‘use it’ or perceive that I had a reason to use it?
In a lot of ways, the gym kept me in a routine of eating so that I didn’t lose weight while I was often really not wanting to eat. It was my crutch while my stomach was this tyrant leader that basically dictated my life.
But you know what? I got hungry, maybe not as much but I did before, but hunger came around. I basically broke part of my face, I would hope my body had some ability to tell me it needed energy.. So I got a sense of relief a bit because hunger is a real emotional thing for me because its not always there during these times.
Aside from that, I took a much bigger lesson out of this. I learned that I need the gym because it gives me life and a sense of strength because I feel my body is failing me sometimes, which makes me feel weak. Even when I felt like crap with a flare up, I could somehow get my mind and body to perform at it’s peak in the gym and that made me feel even a bit better in the moment.
The gym also helps clear my anxiety, so I need it in my life for that and I literally felt a piece missing from me during those three weeks. Pushing my bf to sadly leave me to go because I knew that I wanted him to enjoy the very thing that gave me so much joy. If I couldn’t, at least he could and that made me happy.
Placement helped a lot. This is the best placement I have had and really solidified what I want to do with my life but man is it busy and mentally draining. Kept my busy mind from focusing on what I didn’t have.
Going to stop making this sound like a sob story, not my intention, just trying to portray how important this was for the next lesson to make sense
One ultimate thing that I learned through all of this…
Although its still hard for me to take a day off, this experience has shown me that my two biggest fears will not happen if I did for one or two days. I will get hungry and be able to eat AND I won’t literally die without it. I will not lose all my progress. I will not randomly wake up with a little pot belly (again sorry if that is a bit much, but my mind thinks irrationally sometimes) if I don’t go a day because there was something that took me away all day.
Like a nice weekend in Niagara with my love
Its still hard, but I’m learning that I can break routine once and a while and things won’t fall to pieces.
I’m also starting to slowly gain my strength back as my food comes back up and I’m feeling better as a whole.
I really had to think about whether I wanted to post this or not, but what the hell, I posed for a reason. Everyone has some rough morning faces no?
So heres a thumbs up to…
1. Gaining back my strength
2. Eating solid foods again
3. Being able to have my source of stress relief back in my life
4. Joining my favourite person in our favourite place once again and eating back at my table at Movati post workout as I always have.
Much love my friends! Happy Monday and sunshineyyyyy day!