Lil Miss Fitness Freak

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"


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Emotionally Numb..TOL

Are you one of those people who knows something big is happening soon but don’t really feel it until the day of?

When that day comes, its like a bomb exploded instead of being a slow burning flame that will quietly simmer and then just fizzle out.

Sound dramatic?

As my undergrad comes to a close (2nd one, yay for year 7 of post-highschool schooling…) I have been pondering a lot of things lately, yet I feel almost unattached to the emotions I feel they should be associated with.

…maybe that is my first problem…overthinking..

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I’m leaving my housemates. I know I’m going to cry the day of, I know it. I love these two girls and for now I just think that them leaving hasn’t hit me yet. I swear I have feelings..

I’m moving in with new housemates. I have met one of them and she’s so sweet and just like me in the sense that she appears to me like an ‘older soul’ and one who gets stuff done and is a respective and responsible person.

I have to go back home and work inside all summer long. I think this is the one that I have been the most vocal about. My job last summer was a dream. I spend my days outside, I did my research at night and I was the most relaxed I had ever been I felt. this was a true blessing because I was sick (Read: infested without knowing it) at the time and although I was struggling with it, I don’t know how bad it would have gotten if I hadn’t have been so free and care-free.

I’m having to leave my second family (my gym fam) for the whole summer because I have to go home. This may seem silly to many of you, but I feel a certain ‘place’ there. I’m known and I just feel at home there. My friends are there. Friends who share my interests and can gab for days about all the things I love. My people live and breathe there just like me. It may only be for 4 months, but its just another thing I’m leaving…

My Masters is apparently going to be a crazy time. From placements to my masters, I have so much to do in a whole 3 semesters and I weirdly feel calm. I’m excited for my placements but I know that so much change is about to occur and at this point and ‘calmness’ I don’t know how the initial days are going to fare with such a change to my normal scheduling.

….After my Masters, life hits you like a bag of bricks….

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Should I think about where I want to live as an adult?

How am I going to afford a place to live when I’m done. I’m not going back home right? I can’t, I just can’t. But a place…On my own…Am I ready for that? Can I even think about affording that?

I don’t even know how to do my own taxes for gods sake!

And all I have to say for myself at the moment is I feel nothing. I’m not sad. I’m not worried and I’m not (consciously at least) anxious about it.

That in itself makes me worried because when it all hits me, I don’t know how I’m going to react. That is a lot of change. And I, mentally and physically (heres pointing at your stomach of hell), don’t do well with change.

How do I prepare if I feel nothing?

Am I somehow able to suppress all feelings because I’m overwhelmed with all the change that is imminent? 

I dunno.

I guess for now I need to just continue to focus on my exams and when two weeks from now comes up and I’m hugging my housemates and saying goodbye, I will just have to accept what happens is what I need to have happen. There is no planning that can be done, just let the feels be feels.

On a side note, I really want a dog. Like I’m not kidding guys, I really want one. Enough so that stuffed animals have become appealing to me in large ways.

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That nose freckle is shining bright..

I have this emptiness (which I think is a want for a romantic relationship…) that I need to fill with something and as much as I love my new Chester, this void is still burning deeper, but I suppose that is not in my control either. There is a time and a place for being single, growing and self-loving. I have done that. Why is it that when you are finally feeling confident in yourself and what you deserve AND you are ready and wanting to give yourself and your love to someone else that there is nothing to be found?

Le sigh. I digress…

Guess it also doesn’t help my mood that my stomach is being a terror with my exams…despite said feelings of nothingness. What else is new. Are you almost healed yet…?

To conclude I just want to say that no I’m not sad or anything like that, I’m a very happy person, these are just some thoughts rolling through my forever active mind and I think I’m simply suppressing feelings at the moment. Please don’t think I’m depressed or anything as that is far from true. 

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How do you respond to major life changes?

Do you feel ready to take on the world after your education?

Thanks to Amanda and her link-up party for my thoughts to dance in.

Thinking-Out-Loud-2

-Chelsea

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Nothing Brightens My Day Like A…

….dead body

dead bodyI know, happy weekend to you too eh? I don’t mean to sound insensitive to the deceased (really not trying to I swear!) and I apologize for the dark opening to this post but seriously I’m kinda scarred from seeing a dead body for the first time in my life this afternoon (Saturday). As I made my way down to the Farmers Market I first noticed the crazy number of cop cars and a fire truck blocking an entire strip of Bay Street between Main and King and then I saw him

….A man crumpled up on the side-ish of the road in front of the new McMaster building being built. As naturally curious creatures, I couldn’t look away (despite being horrified at what I was witnessing) as I was attempting to figure out if what I was seeing was real or not. I actually thought it was a fake person at first, like a dummy or prop investigators might use in a crime scene to try to piece together the sequence of events that took place. Yes, I was actually arguing with my mind whether it was a dummy or a real person. As silly as that sounds, perhaps my mind was trying to avoid the idea that I was actually seeing a deceased individual because, lets be honest, death creates unsettling feelings, but after shaking myself a lil I realized that he was in fact real. I did in fact just see what death looked like and it left me with a feeling that I couldn’t really describe.

You may think I’m over reacting but I really did feel completely off for the rest of the day. Scatterbrain-ish or spacey you could say. No, I’m not suffering with PTSD flashbacks of the persons face or anything, but I’m feeling a mixture of emotions. Shock. Grief. Sadness. Fear. Confusion. Disgust. Don’t take that last one offensively. Humans will innately react to gruesome and unpleasant sights with a cringe. You can’t help it.

I have never witnessed death. **Knock on wood** I have never been to a funeral so this really is new for me (not saying you get desensitized to it ever..) and is something I don’t want to experience if possible (obviously) too frequently. I know that death is part of life but I truly don’t like this unsettled feeling I’m left with.

I’m not trying to sound like it’s all about me, or that I’m complaining or blaming this man for leaving me feeling this way, I’m just trying to explain my feelings. Perhaps I just needed an outlet to do that and, for that, I appreciate you guys for listening. ❤

As of right now, I haven’t found any updated news on how, what or why this happened. Police are still asking for witnesses so we are left in the dark as to how this poor man died. From what I could see, he looked as if he fell from the building as there was practically no blood and his limbs were in a very awkward and bent/broken position under his body. Due to it being Saturday, there was no one working on the McMaster building (nor was he wearing a construction uniform) so he was not an employee. I’m hoping this doesn’t turn into a suicide case but I guess we will have to wait and see.

May he rest in peace.

Rest in Peace

-Chelsea