Lil Miss Fitness Freak

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"


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More Food = More Gains

Friends! Today has been a really great day thus far and to share that happiness with you I thought I would jump into the link up party

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Lovely Link-up created by the wonderful Meghan 

…cuz I have been feeling and receiving all kinds of happy lately. Also the ‘list all your achievements’ theme is quite fitting this week.

1. I’m sorry I’m happy while everyone down south is angry AF still post election. But we won’t get into that because politics is just something you don’t touch.

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…Moving on….

2. My lifts…omg I amaze myself. The small increases I do with my coach every two weeks are lighting me up like a firecracker I kid you not. I started to wonder why I’m progressing so much faster strength wise now than I was with my previous coach. At that time I was getting much, MUCH larger increases compared to now and, yes, I was progressing, but not at this rate.

I thought about it hard and figured it’s probably having to do with the fact that my system is healing itself now. Back earlier in the year, it was overwhelmed being overfed and dealing with all the health problems (cough parasites..) and so I think that with those dealt with (I hope!) my body is now less stressed and less inflamed so perhaps now during this healing process it’s just going to get better and better.

So those PR’s…Excuse me while I grin like a crazy person…I’m just so happy about them!

~I squatted 4×3, 1×5 135lb back squats this past Friday. Thats up 1 whole set and 1 rep from last week. NOTE that this may small but its actually about 1.6x my bodyweight. My goal is 4×8 by Xmas. Getter!

~100lb DL this morning. DL have always been my weakest lift, so I was pretty damn proud of this lift, especially since I have felt stalled for a few weeks

~30lb DB shoulder presses this Saturday

~135lb Rack pull for 5

~135lb barbell hip thrusters.

~100lb barbell lunges for sets of 8

So yeah, excuse my pride face..

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3. Started off my morning right today with news that I had gotten a 90% on my clinical midterm. Once again I was terrified to check because everyone else was spouting about how bad they felt they did. I need to learn to trust my gut.

4. On the topic of marks, 88% for Metabolism and another 90% in Nutrition Assessment ain’t too shabby either.

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5. I managed to finish a Clinical assignment in 1.5 hours on Saturday. Holler at that productivity.

6. I have been writing training plans for my housemate and she told me how thankful she was for them because she has never felt so good about herself.

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Follow me at @lilmisscross!

Gym = more confidence in everything! Its not just about aesthetics.

7. This will be my 4th blog post this week!

8. I welcomed myself back into vlogging! I’m so happy to be back.

9. I have done the monkey work for my Master/Internship applications. Goals for the next two weeks is to crack down on those letters of intent/cover letters

10. Wrote a leg routine for two people at the gym and they absolutely loved it. I than so graciously received a Tims gift card, which was totally not needed or asked for but she insisted. So nice.

11. I made a peanutty version of these cookies and everyone loved them!

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12. I reconnected with a friend who moved away this year (Oh hey Cass if you’re reading this). It was so nice to hear from her and catch up!

13. One of my clients told me that he was so happy that he found me because I have helped him so much. Daaawww

14. Finally took my ass to Canadian Tire to get a spare key for my Dad. Than I got an even cooler key so my Dad gets the boring original…

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I swear I am an adult. Can I call it Mighty Mouse?

PS please ignore the U.G.L.Y callouses on my hands…gym problems.  

14. Three people have told me that I’m looking strong! I’m growing friends!

15. I left the gym on Friday feeling a sense of complete and utter bliss. I had trained my ass off that morning, hit my squat PR, trained both a client and my housemate and spent 1.5 hours trying to eat my post workout because everyone was chatting with me. I just feel like I’m supposed to be there. I’m supposed to help others and give information. It was a great feeling. Passion, I like you.

16. I forced my housemates to enter the Christmas season nice and early with me by putting these on their doors ;-).. Spread a lil love…

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Penguin for me (cuz I love them!), elephant for Em (cuz likewise) and a beautiful Xmas sweater for Rita because they didn’t have a turtle…(her nickname lol)

And with the spirit of Xmas now in our hearts, I will end it here. Overall a great week filled with a lot of great things. Heres to further growth and positivity my friends!

Thanks again to Meghan for giving me a platform to share my successes and happy moments of the week.

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What is one success or happy moment you experienced this week?

-Chelsea

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Safe Fear Foods?

Monday thoughts coming at ya as I just finished my first exam this morning at 8:30am…and I’m slightly exhausted..and needed to mentally drain and recharge. So, to do so, I spent most of this afternoon gymmin it up (as usual 😉 but Rita came along too this time!), taking a much needed nap, eating some lobster for dinner and now chattering with you.

Hope that’s okay with you all. 😀

My exam was my online course and to be quite honest, I now officially know that I really dislike online courses because I just can’t be bothered to keep up with the readings…

Which leads me to cramming more then I would like for the exam.

Ugh.

I think it went fine, but I just don’t like how much more effort I had to put into studying for it then was really needed if I had kept myself on top of the four gazillion readings each week.

Do you like online courses?

Anyways, the reason for this post was a link up with zee typical Recovery Round-Up courtesy of Lord Still Loves Me.

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I really like doing these because it creates a safe outlet and a pool of resources. Not to mention, it’s where we can share our challenges (so that we can get assistance and loads of support and love to get through them) and our wins.

Much love to our hostess, Julia, for starting it up.

I made some progress this weekend.

I had my #CheatMeal and it wasn’t ice cream.

….and yes I shouldn’t be calling it a cheatmeal or anything really, but that what those ‘eating out once a week’ meals are to me as of right now.

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‘Naked’ elk burger with goat cheese, sundried tomatoes (OMG!), sautéed mushrooms and onion, spinach and lots of mustard and franks hot sauce post picture. Devoured (cuz leg day…) fork and knife style along side a pile of ‘weeds’ or their house salad with added beets (cuz I love them and it reminds me of Chucks Burger Bar)

I had been wanting to try the elk burger at The Works for quite some time now but just always went with my ice cream. One, because I love it and Two, because it was ‘safe’

Safe?

So does that mean I have officially gotten over my fear of ice cream?

Sadly, no.

Instead, it has become more of a habit. One that I’m getting better with, but still have some guilt. So it’s really become a safe fear or safe cheat if you will.

That is what I wanted to talk about today, is this idea of ‘safe fear foods’

because as weird as that sounds, they do in fact exist and make some level of sense.

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A fear food is one that gives you great anxiety.

It over consumes your thoughts when you are going to have it.

For me, when I first started my #IceCreamChallenge every Friday I would legit start to worry about having it on the Monday before. I would start thinking that:

I must be unhealthy because I want something that is not good for my body.

I should be ashamed because I’m not eating healthy

What if this makes my stomach hurt?

What if I feel way too full…

Does that mean I had a binge?

Does 2 scoops of ice cream mean I had a binge???!?

Normal people don’t need 2 scoops of ice cream…

I must then conclude that I’m an unhealthy, weak, elephant and I should feel bad.

Sounds awful now that I write it on paper…err…share it to the internet world.

Now, 4 months later, some of those thoughts are still very apparent but the physical anxiety (sleeping issues, tight chest, etc) have mostly been non-existent.

You may think that is a good thing and maybe I’m making progress, and yes, that is progress in a sense (less guilt), but I was given a harsh reality kick when my housemate begged me to finally try the burger place out (which I swear I did really want to try!) and made me break my weekly habit of indulging in my safe cheat.

And so, the over consuming thoughts began once again.

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So, that leaves me with the question:

Have I actually made progress in accepting the ice cream as something I CAN and DESERVE to have without guilt

OR..

Have I become more desensitized to it and that is why I’m mentally handling it better?

I pondered. I pondered some more.

I concluded that I think it’s a bit of both. Yes, it’s a habit and for the person who doesn’t like change, when change does occur, I become all kinds of freaked out once again.

This means I have to challenge myself and try out other ‘fears’.

But that doesn’t mean I should give up my ice cream either because I do think I’m actually starting to believe, just a lil bit, that I can have ice cream because I like it.

Also because when I skipped it for 2 weeks, the anxiety popped up again…Damn ED.

So yes, you can have fear foods that are deemed safe in your eyes. They are habits that you have formed and that makes you feel safer eating them. The challenge is to realize that this is true (instead of saying you hate everything else…) and step out of your comfort zone to make yourself feel uncomfortable once in a while.

I will have to return to The Works soon, one because I want my parents to try it (they love Chucks just as much as I do) and two because I did enjoy it and I shouldn’t restrict to simply one choice of things I enjoy.

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To end on another positive note…

I kept the addition of the sautéed mushrooms and onions on my burger order despite them telling me they were cooked in a bit of butter.

Butter is something I haven’t touched (knowingly..) since I was forced to eat it in treatment. It’s a major fear for me and something I don’t think I will ever use willingly ever again.

I literally had a mild anxiety moment as the waitress waited for my response to her question…

Do you still want them?

Yes, yes I took them because a burger is not a burger without those mushrooms and onion in my eyes. I resisted the urge to not be satisfied with my order due to that component. That is where the majority of the guilt stemmed from for that meal and hopefully the next time I will not be as anxious.

Baby steps, but this week I challenged my safe fear food place.

…and I won.

-Chelsea


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Is Snackin A Bad Thing?

My friends,

Happy Thursday, hope you are all having a great week so far and that all my American friends are enjoying the start of their WEEK OFF (practically) for Thanksgiving. 

#TurkeyGainz

Forgive me for being slightly jealous of the fact that we Canadians get a whole THREE days for Thanksgiving while you guys get like a year off…

There was a thought I was having over the past few days and it involves snacking.

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I hear all the time that people feel they need to stop snacking in order to gain control of their weight.

But..

Is snacking really a bad thing?

Does snacking lead to excessive eating and gaining weight?

Short answer is maybe.

Snacking in general is not bad. If you’re feeling hungry, EAT! That is your body saying that it’s out of fuel and needs more. In these cases, if you’re in that mid afternoon slump and your tummy starts rumbling at you, never second guess nibblin away on something to satiate you until your next meal.

Good ideas?

Something with a lil protein, lil carbs and lil fat. Try to get at least 2 of the 3 macronutrients in a snack (3 for meals). Balance folks!

~Greek yogurt + berries (or granola)

~Healthy, homemade goodies like muffins, bars or cookies

~Veggies and dips like hummus

~Homemade trail mix (nuts for some fats, some oat clusters for some carbs, etc) over some cottage cheese or greek yogurt

So I can snack my life away then?

Short answer, probably not.

These are my own thoughts, keep that in mind.

As I just talked about, I have no qualms with snacking when you’re hungry and the next meal is quite a bit of time in the future. No point in starving yourself for the simple reason of ‘I shouldn’t be snacking.’

On the other hand, I really don’t believe in snacking all day. Here’s my thoughts:

For one, if you snack all the time, you are never really satisfied. You grab a few spoonfuls of this, handfuls of that and walk away only to find yourself back with your head in the cupboards or fridge 20 minutes later.

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I think I legit laughed at this picture for a good 5 minutes. That face!

This not only makes it so that you can’t get anything done because you’re still hungry but it also means that food is on your mind 24/7 and that’s not healthy either. You should be able to eat to the point where you feel satisfied and nourished and then you can move on with your life and get something else done.

The second thing is that I find that the types of ‘snacks’ when someone is just mindlessly snacking are different then when they may have packed a pick-me-up for that “just in case I’m hungry”scenario. Snacking all day tends to be on whatever you may be craving at that moment and what is just right in front of you.

Hello peanut butter jar…5 tbsp later..

3-4 spoons of ice cream becomes 8…9…15…

A handful of chips becomes the whole bag…

What I’m getting at here is that when you are simply snacking, you don’t really give much thought to it and things start to add up because you are not feeling satisfied (probably due to the lil amount, the fact that generally it’s only 1 macro group, etc) and just keep going back for more bits n’bites.

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The last thing I want to mention is once again a byproduct of not being satisfied…

Eating when you’re not actually hungry.

This can be a big problem if it’s done all the time. Yes, sometimes we eat when we aren’t hungry and that’s okay. Thats part of being human and often part of the social scene. On the other hand, if you do this as a daily thing, your calories may go over what you need and therefore lead to weight gain.

That is when snacking becomes detrimental and some changes should be made. **In my opinion…

So why do we snack when we’re not hungry?

This was really the thing that I was thinking about over the past few days because I was reading and hearing about individuals expressing concerns about their snacking habits.

So what do I think?

People are lacking balance.

Balance is having a variety of the macronutrients on your plate. Balance is having a full, satisfying meal…on a plate…not from a spoon and feeling satisfied.

Having a handful of dry cereal or granola is not balance, it’s just carbs.

Eating peanut butter straight from the jar multiple times a day is not balance, it’s mostly just fat.

Grabbing from your lil candy stash leftover from Halloween as an afternoon snack is not balance, instead, it’s just a recipe for binge eating on sugar. 

I honestly believe that people, especially my fellow students just don’t have the patience to make and sit down to a MEAL and turn to snacking to get them through the day. Then they complain that they are gaining weight and don’t know why.

This mindless snacking could be more harmless if the foods chosen were whole foods like vegetables and proteins, but lets be real, most people are not going to raiding their fridge for carrots. The former would often stop you from going overboard because of the fiber (in the veggie’s case) and the filling nature of proteins. What is often the issue is that snacks are more processed and just lead to wanting to eat more.

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Wow I have talked for a long time (hello 1000 word post already…). To sum it all up, I tend to swing more towards meals, with snacking being left in between if they are needed. Meals are more likely to strike that balance of having carbs/protein/fats in one spot and that leaves you feeling much more satisfied as your body is getting a bit of everything rather then feeling like it’s missing something. That “I need something else” feeling is what drives that need to shovel something else in your mouth to compensate.

So do yourself a favour. Take a break and eat a meal. A sit-down, filling meal that you can enjoy and then move on to non-food related matters. Ie. live your life.

Jumping into Thinking Out Loud hosted by the lovely Amanda, whose post actually was one of the things that inspired this lil chattering.

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Whatcha think?

Do you snack?

Do you prefer snacking or mealin’?

 -Chelsea


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Support Makes You Strong

Trees.

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We see those huge, beautiful trees as something so strong. Something so proud. Something so rooted in its place in this earth.

Trees not only provide us with the breathes of life, but they also provide support for the many ecosystems that surround them.

You know what though?

A tree wouldn’t be able to serve those purposes if it wasn’t for the aid of the system around it.

It wouldn’t be around without the pollinators that spread those very seeds that brought it to life.

It wouldn’t be alive still without the microorganisms that break down organic materials to give it nourishment.

So if something that is the picture of strength and wisdom needs support to be able to keep thriving, why is it that when we ask for help we perceive ourselves as being weak?

Everyone needs support, whatever magnitude that may be. Asking for help NEVER signifies that you are incapable. Never says to others that you are a failure.

Sometimes, asking for help can make you one of the strongest people out there.

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So you may be asking yourself why the hell I’m rambling on about this. It’s pretty random.

Well I am random….

I’m also randomly bringing this up because it’s something that I have had to come to accept throughout my recovery process.

I never used to like asking for help. I’m an internalizer and so I tend to keep my thoughts, worries, conflicts, etc to myself because I feel like they were my own issues to deal with

Why burden someone else with my problems if ….

…they only affect me…

The problem with that statement is two fold.

For one, I have associated negativity with the love, comfort and support that another person can give to me. Basically,  I felt as if providing me with support was some sort of favour they were doing for me or that they felt pity on me so they would do it not because they wanted to, but because they felt compelled to.

I have come to realize that this is not true. People don’t want to see you struggle. I have this urge in my self to speak up and help others if I feel I can in any way. I think sometimes I should refrain as I may be overstepping my boundaries, but the point is that we don’t like to see others hurt or stuck in a state of confusion if they don’t have to be.

The second issue is that second part. “It only affects me.” This is far from the truth because if you are struggling, the chances are that it will negatively impact anything further you try to do because you are occupied. You’re stuck either dwelling on something, hurting or just not knowing what move to make next. This inevitably affects not only you but anything else you try to do and anyone else you try to interact with.

So what does all of of this have to do with recovery?

I think that this is an important lesson for everyone to learn, regardless of their struggles in life…

You must learn and accept that one has be vulnerable in order to grow as a person.

But this vulnerability becomes even more important during recovery as you have to come to the realization that sometimes you’re just too tired to keep fighting and it’s in those moments where ED feels that he can creep back in a take you back.

It is in those instances where you need to ask yourself…

Does strength mean risking my recovery because I should be able to continue to fight when I’m completely mentally exhausted?

Or

Does strength mean admitting to someone else that you are having a rough time and just need a lil bit of support so that you can re-charge and blast forward once again?

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I know what my answer would be, what is yours?

 Linking up once again to Julia’s…

recovery-round-up-lord-still-loves-me-link-up…on this cold ‘gah it’s officially winter’ Monday.

Thank you so much to Julia for hosting such a positive and helpful resource partaay.

Have a great start to your week friends!

When was the last time you asked for support? this weekend when I ranted on discussed my struggles this week with body image with my Mom.

Who is your go-to? My Mom ❤

-Chelsea


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Recovery Means Breaking Rules

My Friends,

I wanted to join into a new link up party hosted by the lovely Julia over at Lord Still Loves Me because I love the message that she is trying to put forth.

The idea that Eating Disorders are nothing to be ashamed of.

They are nothing we should be afraid to talk about or embarrassed to admit that they have impacted our lives in any way, shape or form.

The truth is that they are an event. A horrible event mind you, but a point in our lives that challenged us.

This challenge though made us into who were are today, which is a person who is stronger and a person who hopefully sees and experiences life in a much more positive way because they have had some demons to face and squash.

So with that, here is my first entry into the link up party

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Thanks to Julia for starting it up and letting it be a safe space for all to share about their experiences that can include anything from triumphs, to challenges, to fears to breakthroughs.

Much love to everyone who joined into the party and to everyone reading these posts

This morning I broke a rule….

I broke a rule that ED had told me to never break.

Under the requirements of my nutrition increase, my coach added a whole tbsp and a half of extra nut butter to my breakfast on my training days.

A TABLESPOON AND A HALF.

Take that as you will, but for me this was a very scary thing despite loving all things nut butter.

I preach that fats are good for you (because they are!). I preach that everyone needs fats (which you do!) and that you shouldn’t be afraid of the ol’ saying:

Fat makes you fat.

Because it’s not true.

But I myself still struggle with how much I take in as well to be completely honest.

Not only did I have to deal with the very large increase (in my mind) but I also had to get past that pesky rule that holds me back…

You are allowed 2 tbsp tops on any given day..

Of course, less is always better because I can’t have you enjoying yourself too much…ED says with pleasure.

Do I know where this rule originated from?

No.

I know that one serving of nut butter is set as 2 tbsp but I don’t know how that got attached to a daily serving in my head.

Either way, it was (and will continue to be for now on) something I had to tackle this morning.

Info Tidbit: I have 1 tbsp + 1tsp in my ‘midnight snack’ every night and generally only 1/2 a tbsp in my oats in the morning. So jumping to 2tbsp in my oats alone is quite a leap for me.

I had to be strong enough to break that rule

Even if it meant mixing in the extra (which I NEVER DO because I like to eat it last) to hide it from myself, I had to try to get past it.

If I’m being completely honest once again, I only managed to add half more of what I was required to this morning but I have to cheer for myself for the fact that I still broke that rule and did make baby steps into conquering that fear.

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Tomorrow is a new morning and I’m determined to take on the full amount.

Recovery isn’t about being perfect. Recovery is like a pond of stepping stones. The distance between the stones may be different (i.e. the challenges we face may be more or less tough mentally and physically) which means that getting from one stone to the next may take more or less time BUT with each leap of faith, we are one step further into a place of freedom and happiness.

….One tbsp of nut butter at a time….

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Thanks for all of your continued support and love my family

Eating disorder related or not (as I hope many of your don’t go through one!), what is one rule you want to be able to break or one that you have broken (yay you!)?

-Chelsea


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Emotions Out Loud

My Friends My Friends

Today I knew was going to be a good day

Why?

Because today I got a free tea.

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Thank you UofG

Why can’t other main chains have cool cards like this? Timmie’s take note!

#Cheapos

This Thinking Out Loud is full of emotions because I’m quite thankful for all of the love and support that I have been graciously given over the past few days. Amanda, here’s a big thanks heading your way for the link-up!

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First off, thank you all for your kind words from my last post on my new journey. I have felt so much love over the past few days and that kicked off with your amazing and sweet comments. You are all so positive and I cannot say enough how much you all help to push me towards better places. You are part of my journey, never forget it! 

Full steam forward!

I said earlier that I have to be my own cheerleader, which is true, but it’s nice to have a team of cheerleaders too.

Also on my side are my amazing housies who both were asking how I was doing all day yesterday when my meal plan really kicked in. I was so anxious about that first pre workout meal that I ended up distracting myself making breakfast for Rita.

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It doesn’t look that scary, but for me, all I was thinking going into it that this is an additional plate of food in the same time I’m usually digesting my pre-workout oats and therefore I was going to be going into the gym too full.

But I did it. I ate it. And you know what?

I had a lot of great energy in the gym despite being kinda super tired as I woke up an hour earlier to try to squeeze 2 meals into a 3 hour window before my lift.

Plus I remembered how much I really loved the simple taste of bite of roasted chicken with a bit of mashed avocado and sweet tater. Like Thanksgiving!

Both my parents also contacted me yesterday to ask how I was doing…

I also have the support of my coaches FB group. They are all telling me that great things will happen.

So much love, so much love.

Also, getting positive affirmation from my coach always is a bonus!

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I always say to never reward with food because that can make you have weird relationships with it, but sometimes food just tastes like a reward…

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Craving for lobster….

So much orange…

Also something I learned yesterday,

Rice cakes aren’t actually that bad. Kinda nutty actually. Of course I buy good quality ones (brown rice is the only ingredient and they are organic), not the preservative and sugary white ones.  And hey, topped with my salted caramel Diesel whey (made into an icing) and some nanner for hitting those protein and carbs post-workout on the go, they were actually not too shabby..

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I had it all over my face (#StickyMess) but who am I trying to impress when I’m hangry and eating at the gym?

What is really bad…

Shooting back a serving of Greens first thing in the morning.

Pranin

OMG. So bad. Pluggin the old nose is an understatement.

Finally, to end on a funny note

Random blurb from my biophysio class…

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Sorry I had to. He’s comin for ya….

The antechinus is am marsupial that has so much sex, it begins to disintegrate…

Hmmm I kinda feel bad for these lil guys as they only last through one mating season (i.e. 2-3 weeks) but they are literally having sex 24/7 no joke, even when, as it was put, “they are dishevelling.” Some may see that as not being such a bad life.

Hope that made you LOL.

Happy Thursday my friends!

Oh and comment about what serious or more educational topics you want me to post about, I want to know what you want to hear about 🙂

Are you a fan of rice cakes?

-Chelsea


40 Comments

Strength Isn’t Something You Are Taught

Strength is something you earn.

Something you GAIN.

Something you have to go through hardship to achieve.

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With strength comes the realization that you are patient and that you are competent.

You truly can put your fears aside and do what you tell yourself you can do…

….which is anything you put your mind to.

My friends, I briefly introduced my newest journey in my previous post, which was that the time had come where new changes were needed. My body has reached a point where I am no longer able to keep it afloat on my own and so I have reached out to my new coach, Mike for help.

This is my new journey and it is something that has to happen as I have no choice but to go up or my health could take a turn for the worst.

Please let me tell you that none of this was intentional. I did not plan to loose weight, in fact, loosing in any way makes me incredibly anxious because obviously, as you can see, it’s too hard for me to put it back on. The issue with recovery is that if you’re not always on your guard, certain fears can cloud your judgement and let things slip away from you.

So what are these changes?

Well I can’t go into full detail because as soon as Mike gets me acclimatized to a bit more food (addition of two more meals to my day) to stretch my stomach a bit and to ensure I don’t mentally get too overwhelmed, he is completely taking over and not wanting me to know much about my macros and such. Basically he will be giving me a meal plan and I just have to weight it out and eat it.

The process is supposed to be mindless for me because when my mind gets involved, things become more difficult.

What I do know (and appreciate!) is that he believes in real food. No dirty bulking here. Clean, real foods just in greater amounts. Of course, if I get to a point where the thought of more food is making me ill (which he said will happen because my metabolism is quite efficient it seems and ‘cleaner foods’ require a lot of volume for a tiny belly to eat), other foods will have to be introduced because I just have to get the calories in.

Aside: He did explain to me how these ‘other foods,’ like going out for burgers and such, are not dirty foods. He’s not sending me to Mc’D’s so they are still quality, whole foods, just those that are more calorically dense. This idea that ‘going out to eat’ and still eating clean, real foods is going to be a major mental hurdle for me as right now I have my one ‘cheat meal’ every week and I still struggle with that.

So yeah, more food is a given.

As far as training, he is dropping me to 4 days a week.

This is a real kicker for me because my training is my passion and even to take my one rest day a week is hard enough for me. It’s my love to be in the gym every morning not because I feel I have to be, but because I truly love to be there.

Of course, I have to be aware of the fact that at least I’m still getting to train and still train hard in those times as a dietician would laugh at the thought. I should be thankful but during the initial stages where I know full on that I will be quite overwhelmed with change, I might be stuck in Negative Nancy Mode focusing on what I’m loosing rather then thinking positive.

Just being real with you all.

I wanted to share this with you all because you are a form of support for me and I want to be real and honest with you. Many of you have opened up with your own stories with me, which I am truly touched by because in some way you feel as though you can talk to me about such an intimate part of your life. Furthermore, I want my experiences to be able to help others as well so I really hope I have the ability to share my everyday thoughts and feelings with you to really bring you with me.

This is going to be a very hard process for me. I’m going to cry. I’m going to get moody. I’m going to have those days where I want to just give in and go back to what I was doing because I’m tired of fighting back.

But really, by giving in to my head, where am I getting myself? Right back in the hole I’m in now.

Lost strength in the gym

Tired

Cold

Not liking the way I look because I’m too small

Being self conscious of people looking at me because I assume they think I look gross and sick.

No.

I need to be strong and put my big girl panties on and push through. I have to be especially strong because I have to do it kind of on my own now while I’m here living away from home. Of course I have my parents a phone call way, Mike is obviously there and the love and support of those around me (thanks you guys!) but this is a journey that is very heavily dependent on my own will and determination because I am the one who has to physically do it at the time.

#YAYTeamChelsea

#BeYourOwnCheerLeader.

Mike is a bodybuilder. He’s not out to make me fat. He is here to get me healthy. He is here to steer me into knowing how much food my body needs to perform in the gym like the athlete I want to be. He will also help me attain that physique that I have been pushing so hard for (yes, you cannot say something is completely void of aesthetic goals).

I say that, now I just need to stop thinking otherwise.

When it's a restudy we actually try to put something cute together....#StillInLeggingsLetsBeReal

When it’s a restudy we actually try to put something cute together….#StillInLeggingsLetsBeReal

This is my starting point. There is no way but up from here. It’s going to be very mentally tough for me but only good things can come from regaining control over my body and my health.

Mike, here are the reins, I will try my hardest to give all of my control up to you.

Normally one might say be gentle, but hell, an ED needs a drill sergeant to break down that concrete wall of fears and control issues to get anything done.

Before I leave you all, I wanted to make one more comment as it was something my Mom brought up earlier…

“I hope you don’t feel as if you failed.”

This was a tough thing to hear because it was simply saying out loud what I was thinking at that moment. Do I think I failed? In a sense I think I did because I told myself I would never let this take me again.

But then I thought about it more and it hasn’t ‘taken me’ this time per say but, instead, I have slipped back due to unintentional losses and then I was just too stubborn and/or scared to ask for help. It’s a set back (yes a HUGE set back) in my recovery, but something I’m still fully aware is happening.

recovery-is-hard

Let me show you the difference.

When my ED started when I was 16 and I entered the hospital I was gone. Like legit gone. I don’t really remember the first few months except for the fact that I just thought I was fat and that I was doing this for my parents because I didn’t see or think anything was wrong with me. My mind had been taken over and Chelsea had been kicked out of the building.

Fast forward to today where I stand taking before shots of myself in a bikini for Mike to use as a representation of my beginning point and I see a frail, scrawny girl and it makes me cringe. My fears have led me to this point but my mind is still fully aware of what is going on. I see myself for what I am now whereas before I didn’t.

I reached out for help this time

I want to look healthier this time because I don’t want to look sick anymore.

This is different and I know that if I put my stubborn, driven mind to this goal, I can reach it no matter how many times I want to cry and fight back through this process.

This is my choice and I’m going to do it. I promise that to myself.

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Thank you for being my safe space to share and being there to keep me accountable. I can only hope that this can help others as well.

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Kind of a heavy topic for Thinking Out Loud, but hey, we are supposed to set our thoughts free right? Thanks you Amanda for hosting.

Thinking-Out-Loud

-Chelsea