Trigger Warning. For those who are currently struggling or are triggered by the discussion of exercise, psychological struggles, pictures, food, etc please refrain from reading this lil update. The goal here is to ensure everyone remains in a safe place mentally when on my blog!
Do you know how much it has hurt me not to be able to chatter with you much this semester? I have my moments where I wonder if you are feeling let down or frustrated with me thinking that I just don’t enjoy or want to blog anymore but please believe me when I say that is far from the truth.
I miss you all and I miss sharing things with you!
I have tried to push aside the guilt about not blogging and focus on the fact that I’m finishing up my semester hopefully on a high and that I am actively working to bring back up my health status…
My health. How is that progress now that I mention it?
I owe you an update.
I have been officially been working with my coach, Mike, since the beginning of January. I had brought it up before then but we didn’t really gett’er going for real until then. So I suppose I’m wrapping up my third month with him. So what has that brought?
Can’t say really because Mike doesn’t want me weighing myself. I will be honest and say that I was initially weighing myself because I felt as if I needed to know when the scale began to tip up. You heard about my lil meltdown I had previously when it did increase a bit and so I have been forbidden to get on it since. To be rational though, that number really truly DOESN’T matter. Your weight tells you nothing about what is going on with your body really. It doesn’t tell you whether you’ve gained fat, water, muscle and so forth. It doesn’t tell you if your organs are repairing themselves. Whether your hormones are regulating. NOTHING. So really, all it does it make you obsessed with a number for no apparent reason.
So with that in mind, I do weekly progress pictures with Mike and he makes changes as we go…which is EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
I’m not going to say what my specific current numbers are, but to give you kind of an idea…
I’m almost eating my weight in fat (number of grams to number of pounds).
I’m eating triple my weight in carbohydrates.
And around double my weight in protein.
And this is only the beginning. Pretty much without fail, with each passing week, I get another increase. The struggle is real, ya feel? Guys may not (4000+ cals would get their attention), but ladies, do you know how much food that is. Geesh
What I will say is that is just another piece of evidence to show you that you don’t need to be restricting to 1200 calories to maintain your weight or even loose weight! Yes, everybody’s body is different and they all metabolize and respond to nutrients differently but let me be an example to you. Eating high carbs doesn’t make you fat. Eating more then 1200 calories per day doesn’t make you fat.
I may be 5 feet tall but I train hard and so my metabolism is basically a beast…err efficient. I’m truly learning that I need a lot of food just to keep up with it, let alone, make it grow.
BUT! Even if you don’t train, you need to fuel your body sufficiently.
Oh yes my friends!
My pride and joy right now is my squat. Since reading week (mid February) my back squat has increased 25lbs! I’m now squatting more then 1.5 times my body weight which is so exciting as that was a lift that really took a hit when my body basically gave up on me (i.e. my strength took a nose dive) in the gym after the weight loss. I’m pushing so hard to reach that 135 ASAP!
Overall though, I’m much more energetic in the gym, my lifts have been feeling amazing and almost everything is just going up. I PR at least once a week in something and it’s just an amazing feeling.
GIMME ALL DEM GAINZ!…
Lots! Yes, I have had my share of mini meltdowns throughout this process and things may have taken longer then they should have sometimes, but the point is that I not only have to fight the physical but I’m also fighting back the mental as well and that is tough.
I get frustrated with myself sometimes because I wish I could be like everyone else and be happy to be told to eat more food, but I have to take a step back though and realize what significant barriers I have broken down!
~It may have taken me 3 weeks longer then it was supposed to but I managed to add 4 tbsp of nut butter to my day ON TOP OF what I was already eating in my morning oats. This was huge because I had this ‘rule’ in my head that said I was only allowed to eat 1 serving a day MAX (2 tbsp).
~I still have my treat meals (almost still weekly) despite the increases. That was hard for me because I felt that I should stop eating ice cream every Friday due to my already eating more then normal.
~I realized I still get hungry despite eating more. That was another big thing for me. You see, for me, my struggles surround feelings of fullness. I don’t necessarily freak out over calories per say, but I freak out thinking I’m going to feel more full because when I’m more full my tummy will stick out and that’s when I have issues. When you start to feed your body properly after a time of restriction, your body starts to realize that it’s getting more and with that, it can then allow itself to use those additions and ASK for those additions through hunger or other signals. Often times you may think something is a lot but then the next day your stomach will start growling for that extra food because it wants it. It’s proof that your body is efficient. More food or just enough food means that your metabolism is able to be the most efficient and use those nutrients to the best it can, making you an optimal burning machine.
~I haven’t gotten fat. Despite a fairly big increase (in my opinion) to what I’m eating, I have not gotten fat. Instead I have gotten stronger and I have been getting comments that I look healthier (despite the fact that I still really haven’t gained that much). My coach tries to keep me on the straight and narrow about that whole situation but it’s hard for me not to be negative sometimes. That, my friends, is a work in progress.
Any change won’t come without it’s share of some not so nice things. For me, the biggest struggle, other then my mind (I’m looking at you ED!), has been my IBS kicking up a fuss with every damn increase pretty much. If any of you have irritable stomachs you know how moody you can get when your stomach decides to screw with you. It sucks, like hard. I’m learning the very weird limits my stomach has and I have had to adapt and try to work with it or else I will just spend all my days with excessive and painful gas, no hunger (because of said gas) and bloating. Sorry TMI but it just doesn’t make this process any easier physically or mentally.
I’m still pushing though and I have so much love and support plus an amazing coach who is backing me up and having patience with some of my irrational thoughts and whining. I will do this and I will come out on top.
So, I don’t know if you have been wondering what I look like at the moment as my selfie game has been weak for the past lil bit…
I was super hesitant to post this because I was afraid of what you might think. I was afraid that you would think I looked gross and too skinny. Well the fact is that I am too skinny but I’m moving in the right direction and I should be proud of the gains that I have made regardless of how small they may be. This is my starting point and I’m full speed ahead towards my goals.
If you have continued to stick by me during this dry period that is this semester, I appreciate it so much and I cannot say sorry enough for not bringing you the content you deserve. I hope that I can do better now that this crazy semester is coming to an end.
I love you all and lets hope my blog can be a bit more active once again because lets be real, my chattering and random thoughts just cannot be contained!