The title says it all. I had gone MIA on you all once again. Man this semester is really killing my bloggin game. Don’t they care that I have readers to amuse, huh?
My apologies but you know…#StudentLife.
So on this lovely Friday let me fill you in a lil bit.
***Trigger Warning. I will be expressing thoughts that may make some feel uncomfortable. Please note that I am aware these are not healthy or rational thoughts but I’m just wanting to express to you how I felt at the time***
So yes, I have officially put on a pound or two with my coach. That may not seem like a lot based on how long I have been working away at it with him but you have to understand that when your metabolism is high and your workouts are tough, just getting the scale to tip over the edge is really really hard. You need a lot more food then you think just to make it budge.
I have made it past a number of fears.
~Eating rice cakes before bed.
~Eating more peanut butter then I ever imagined. I love peanut butter but I always had this rule that I was only allowed 2 tbsp a day (ie. a serving on the label). Still working with that fear….my last addition via my coach was “Let’s just add 3-4 tbsp of nut butter this week. You love the stuff right?” Uggghhh I love it but that much scares the crap out of me.
I’m still dealing with challenges associated with the weekly increases that has has me doing.
~Having my weekly ‘cheatmeal’ errrr.. treat meal despite always being bumped calories. My head tells me to feel bad for having my ice cream for example because I’m already in a surplus so you don’t need it. Bad Chelsea.
I still have issues with not feeling in control.
And yes, I did in fact have a pretty nasty melt down when I saw that scale shift.
Rationally I know that is the plan. Rationally I know I need it and I DO WANT IT. I really do want to look healthier! I want to fill out my lil fitness freak booty. I want my cheeks to fill out more. I want to look like I lift and gain back the strength I lost for gawds sake, which you cannot do when you are too lean. But the increase in the number shook me and sent my mind into a state of mixed thoughts along with some tears and unfortunate body checking and poking…
Where is it??? Look that part’s softer…Is that a lump?! OMG I’m gunna get fat!
I have always told you that I don’t like the scale and it’s useless. Truth is…that still stands true. The scale means nothing. It is not a measure of anything really because you can gain weight but looker leaner (hello muscle mass!) and then it just messes with your mind.
That in mind, I felt as if I needed to check once and a while to ensure I wasn’t loosing any more weight and also to know when I started to gain so I could say I was going up. It didn’t really phase me. Yes, the number I saw was much too low and I knew it, but I was not mentally prepared for how I would feel if it actually moved up.
That day came and I broke. I cried. I
failed didn’t hit my increase that week because I automatically assumed that because I gained I was just going to stock pile fat on myself because apparently thats what happens when I’m talking about my own body.
I still struggle with thinking that somehow my body is different then others. Others will be fine, but I will become hideous or something. I dunno. Again, irrational. I need to take my own advice and know that I’m getting healthy because I’m NOT healthy right now.
Instead I need to focus on the positives. I’m getting stronger again in the gym and I’m loving it.
I PR’ed today finally hitting my 1.5 times my body weight back squat again. I lit up like a firecracker.
That week was rough but I have accepted it and my dietician spoke to me about the body dysmorphia aspect. Not that I should be trying to rationalize the gain in any way but it will probably be a long time before weight will begin to really show on me because my low body fat percentage means that my organs and vital tissues need a lil bit of assistance first before some of those superficial things.
…When you get an error message stepping on a bioimpediance scale (measures your body fat %) you know that you’re too low…
I know that scale is not the most accurate but still…an error message!?! and that was three meals in…
Anyways, onto bigger and better things and on to more muscle! I’m gaining my friends and that just means I’m getting healthier and working towards my fitness goals.
2. I got a job!
A research job…that isn’t volunteering…in my field!! I found that at my school they offer URA research projects for students in various departments over the summer months. They pay just like any full time job, actually more in my case because rather then minimum wage I’m getting $11.50/hour, and you are doing research for a prof or Ph.D student on campus. How much of an awesome opportunity it that!
Anyways, although that means that I will have to stay in Guelph and not live at home all through the summer, I am excited that I get this chance to do some research as it will help me work towards my career goals.
3. Hell week is upon us…
Yes, my restaurant (the one I keep complaining about) is this Tuesday. Its starts at the crack of dawn (7:45am) Monday morning on campus with receiving our ingredients (and hopefully not being yelled at all morning…that has happened to multiple groups) and continues all day with prepping the food for the actual service Tuesday morning/afternoon. Tuesday we are back in at the crack of dawn for set up, more prep and getting our **it together before service begins at 11:30am. After 2:30 when class is done, we get our review and grade then while many would crack a bottle of wine, I’m going to hit the gym and then go home and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night because I will deserve it after little to no sleep and yelling for 48 hours.
Crossing our fingers it goes well.
Anyways my lovely friends, I’m sorry again that I really have been absent this semester.
It’s not you its me.
I hope to chatter with you more and bring back more information posts as things die down a bit.
I’m off to take my ice cream filled belly to beddies
Nite Nite all!