I want to throw myself into more situations.
I want to ask out that guy I have eyein’ for the past month.
I want to shake the hand of that person I look up to.
I want to be able to say what I want without a second thought.
…I want to be more confident…
But why am I not?
Confidence is something you grow into. Something to gather over time. You don’t just become confident, you have to wrestle through the trees of the forest that is yourself to find it.
My Friends, I have mentioned this a few times in more recent posts but I thought it was important enough to chatter about in its own space.
You can never pinpoint where confidence originates from. That being said, I can without a doubt say that I know when it started to build…
My childhood was a lot of useless effort trying to please others. I was self conscious and worried about what others thought. I guess everyone goes through that, but my sensitivity and perfectionism really didn’t help the issue.
Fast forward a bit to during my ED which was where I broke. I hit that bottom. It had me in a strangle hold that I didn’t really understand at that time. I was weak, tired and I had lost my spirit.
Throughout my journey back up, I didn’t really perceive my inner strength yet. I started my recovery because I wanted my parents to not be sad or scared rather then for myself because I didn’t see anything wrong with me at the time. I was too far gone at that point. It wasn’t until much later that I could really appreciate the huge climb I had done.
I gained such and such pounds while my head was screaming at me to fight back
I cried, I yelled and I resisted when I could. <- As bad as that sounds, it’s something that is required for recovery in my opinion. If you don’t let those demons out, you are not helping yourself because you are not bringing them to the surface to then be challenged.
I faced the walls of my high school weight restored while everyone whispered behind my back because they “knew..” Kids can be so cruel.
I finished that year (grade 11) with honours despite missing half the semester.
I did a lot in the time, but I was still fighting myself at that time. Yes, I was weight restored, but my mind was far from it.
Prom came and went. I will say that I was happier that year and I did enjoy my prom with my friends. No, I didn’t get asked to prom, but I didn’t really expect to anyways…
University started and I saw that first light of confidence when I stepped foot into the Pulse (the McMaster gym) for the first time. Where many girls would shy away from the testosterone filled weight section, I walked right into the middle of it without a second thought and quickly established myself as a permanent resident in a place where few girls wandered.
“Pink Towel Girl” was born.
One month in, I met my Ex. This relationship sparked a lot of change in me. Probably more then he will ever know. He gave me so much without even thinking about it. As sad as it sounds, a huge part of this change came from the simple fact that he loved me.
Although it wasn’t something I really thought about, I truly believe that I didn’t feel as if I was worthy or that I could be loved by another person aside from my parents. I went through high school feeling unwanted I suppose because I didn’t really get asked out.
I look back now and know that this could have been for a number of reasons (high school is clique-ie and so dating only happens between certain people, I also probably gave off a ‘not interested vibe’ because, really, I wasn’t, and lastly, I have always been a bit more mature even at that age and lets be real, high school boys are not the most mature for the most part… no offence to my male readers).
But back at that time, feeling loved by someone else made me feel worthy. Made me feel like more of a person and that maybe, just maybe someone else would want to spend their time with me and like me for me.
Five years of that relationship and five years of being out of my parents house and exploring my surroundings and myself led to me really becoming more of ‘me.’
That confidence was blossoming.
Unfortunately, which I say because it’s sad to say, I think the end of my relationship after that 5 years also led to a huge period of growth because I came to understand what I need and what I truly want.
I took the year (first year at Guelph University, or last year) to really accept my new state of singleness and to be ‘selfish’ per say with doing really anything I wanted without a care. This time is really what finalized who I am today.
I now don’t really care what other people think. Hip thrusters in the gym, weird looks maybe, but they are great for the booty. Leaving the house make-up less is a normal thing now, my lashes don’t see mascara unless theres a pretty eventful thing happenin ..
I have accepted who I am FINALLY. I am me. I have my quirks. I have my things I need to work on and I have the discovered the qualities I love.
I have a passion, one that includes helping others, and others have told me that they hear and feel that passion when I talk to them.
I never feel afraid to state my opinion because why should I be? If someone doesn’t agree with me, that’s fine. Why would I worry about not having the same mindframe as them anyways? I’m not them, I’m me.
I’m not afraid to get what I WANT. I don’t settle because I’m worth more then that. I’m not afraid to say no if that’s not something I want and if I want something, I go get it because I’m capable and I’m worthy of that thing.
This includes having the confidence to go up to whom ever I want as well. I asked out someone for the first time in my life a week ago and things went and are still going quite well. I wasn’t nervous at all to do so and I wasn’t anxious during our time together either. Yes, it hasn’t been that long and who knows what will happen, but the point is that if you took my 18 year old self and put her in this situation, I would have fallen off my rocker already if I had even made it to the date in the first place.
I’m more confident then I have ever been in my life and it’s about damn time. Your 20’s are a time to have fun as your young self and explore you and others. Embrace YOU and love YOU because you deserve to.
Flaunt yo fine self!
As I mentioned, confidence is something you gain, not something you have. You have to go through scary, anxiety provoking and sometimes hard times to bring out that confidence.
So take the time and put yourself in uncomfortable situations because if you don’t or let your fears run your life, that part of the puzzle may never come to find its place and you loose that possibility to grow.
Well that was a long Sunday ramble. I hope you enjoyed it and let me know some of your thoughts in the comments.
Did you have a lot of confidence throughout your life?
What is one situation that you think made you a much stronger person?