*** Trigger Warning. I have expressed some ED related thoughts in this post and that is something that will negatively affect you please skip this post and know that I appreciate your love and support of me and this blog space. ❤ ***
Almost missed this week due to exam drama-rama but I had to jump in because I had some positive steps forward this week and I really wanted to share because this space is not only for resources, but also for sharing our victories!
Thanks to Miss Lord Still Loves Me herself, Julia, for the positive space for opening up.
As the quotation says above, you should never feel bad for accepting that you did some good for yourself.
It’s hard sometimes when you have suffered with an ED in the past to be proud of the lil things that you have done to beat down that ‘voice’ because you tell yourself they are stupid.
I added a tsp EXTRA of peanut butter to my oatmeal because I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat for 6 hours and didn’t want my tummy eating itself during my exam..because that’s kinda distracting.
ED steps in: Chelsea you’re being silly, a tsp, A TSP oh such a step forward. Such a win against me eh? Nope you’re actually just weak for not sticking to your routine and being afraid of hunger.
I also added a lil bit of banana to those rest day oats because 1. I was on 4 hours of sleep and I wanted a bit more carbs to wake me up. 2. My lunch was a lil less in carbs. 3. I was two cheap to buy a whole pint of strawberries ($6 over here!) for my regular 2 strawberries…
ED Steps in: Banana!?? Are you for real. That is just for workouts, shame on you!
I picked up a custom salad (dry) from Freshii the day earlier because I wanted to help myself out the morning of my exam and just have lunch to bring. I brought a new-to-me find, Renee’s Tuscan Italian dressing and I finally picked it up and was determined to try it. Despite it being 100% all natural and having no preservatives in it (which is why I never use bottled dressings), I haven’t used a bottled dressing in years…
ED Steps in: LAZY LAZY GIRL! Bottled dressing?! There’s some canola oil in there miss, stop telling yourself it’s okay. Carrot juice? Oh great, more sugar for the day you aren’t working out. Look at you, 3 in one day, man you are breaking. Happy with yourself?
I hope that wasn’t too harsh to read, I was just trying to convey some of the back talk you get when you have experienced an ED in your lifetime.
Despite the nasty commentary, I was talking to my Mom last night and her face was quite pleased when I told her about these experiences.
She told me that this is a good thing.
She told me you are in no way weak, you are in no way becoming ‘less disciplined’ like ED wants you to think. Disciplined? What is that? More like restricted in life.
She told me that I need to consider that maybe, just maybe my brain is fighting back and trying to shut ED out more and more.
She told me I was getting stronger.
She told me to be proud and that she was proud.
Why shouldn’t I be proud?
Why can’t I accept that those are accomplishments and not that I’m becoming too weak to stick to my ED driven routine of only eating what I should be.
I should be proud of letting myself feel more free.
..and more happy.
And you know what?
I also told her that I have been feeling that way lately…
Feeling the overwhelming happiness seeing all of the Christmas lights.
Feeling excited to come home.
Feeling more appreciative of life and those lil things around me that used to give me such joy.
Yeah, I haven’t been on my plan for too long yet but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t done anything for me yet.
It’s giving me the energy to fight more. Fight harder and its bringing out the best of myself once again.
I may not be free yet, but I’m climbing. One step at a time…
One baby step at a time.
ED is out to challenge you. He’s out to make you doubt yourself and make you feel as if you failed if you don’t follow the routine he paved for you. You need to take the time to pause and tell yourself that you SHOULD feel proud when you go against him. He is trying to strip you of your happiness. You are trying to re-instate that you deserve that happiness.
Because you do. You truly 100% do.
No shame. No guilt.
What is one thing you have done for yourself lately that you discredited because it was silly? I had Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice cream at Baskin Robbins with my Nana and Papa last night. Yes, it was partially because they didn’t have a second caramel flavour, but I have actually kinda been craving it for a few weeks but have been afraid to have it because it’s one of the highest fat ice creams they have. But I ate it and those peanut butter ribbons were delicious… just as I remember.