Lil Miss Fitness Freak

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"

Baby Steps, Baby Steps

28 Comments

*** Trigger Warning. I have expressed some ED related thoughts in this post and that is something that will negatively affect you please skip this post and know that I appreciate your love and support of me and this blog space. ❤ ***

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Almost missed this week due to exam drama-rama but I had to jump in because I had some positive steps forward this week and I really wanted to share because this space is not only for resources, but also for sharing our victories!

Thanks to Miss Lord Still Loves Me herself, Julia, for the positive space for opening up.

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As the quotation says above, you should never feel bad for accepting that you did some good for yourself.

It’s hard sometimes when you have suffered with an ED in the past to be proud of the lil things that you have done to beat down that ‘voice’ because you tell yourself they are stupid.

I added a tsp EXTRA of peanut butter to my oatmeal because I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat for 6 hours and didn’t want my tummy eating itself during my exam..because that’s kinda distracting.

ED steps in: Chelsea you’re being silly, a tsp, A TSP oh such a step forward. Such a win against me eh? Nope you’re actually just weak for not sticking to your routine and being afraid of hunger.

I also added a lil bit of banana to those rest day oats because 1. I was on 4 hours of sleep and I wanted a bit more carbs to wake me up. 2. My lunch was a lil less in carbs. 3. I was two cheap to buy a whole pint of strawberries ($6 over here!) for my regular 2 strawberries…

ED Steps in: Banana!?? Are you for real. That is just for workouts, shame on you!

I picked up a custom salad (dry) from Freshii the day earlier because I wanted to help myself out the morning of my exam and just have lunch to bring. I brought a new-to-me find, Renee’s Tuscan Italian dressing and I finally picked it up and was determined to try it. Despite it being 100% all natural and having no preservatives in it (which is why I never use bottled dressings), I haven’t used a bottled dressing in years…

ED Steps in: LAZY LAZY GIRL! Bottled dressing?! There’s some canola oil in there miss, stop telling yourself it’s okay. Carrot juice? Oh great, more sugar for the day you aren’t working out. Look at you, 3 in one day, man you are breaking. Happy with yourself?

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I hope that wasn’t too harsh to read, I was just trying to convey some of the back talk you get when you have experienced an ED in your lifetime.

Despite the nasty commentary, I was talking to my Mom last night and her face was quite pleased when I told her about these experiences.

She told me that this is a good thing.

She told me you are in no way weak, you are in no way becoming ‘less disciplined’ like ED wants you to think. Disciplined? What is that? More like restricted in life.

She told me that I need to consider that maybe, just maybe my brain is fighting back and trying to shut ED out more and more.

She told me I was getting stronger.

She told me to be proud and that she was proud.

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Why shouldn’t I be proud?

Why can’t I accept that those are accomplishments and not that I’m becoming too weak to stick to my ED driven routine of only eating what I should be.

I should be proud of letting myself feel more free.

..and more happy.

And you know what?

I also told her that I have been feeling that way lately…

Happy.

Feeling the overwhelming happiness seeing all of the Christmas lights.

Feeling excited to come home.

Feeling more appreciative of life and those lil things around me that used to give me such joy.

Yeah, I haven’t been on my plan for too long yet but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t done anything for me yet.

It’s giving me the energy to fight more. Fight harder and its bringing out the best of myself once again.

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I may not be free yet, but I’m climbing. One step at a time…

One baby step at a time.

ED is out to challenge you. He’s out to make you doubt yourself and make you feel as if you failed if you don’t follow the routine he paved for you. You need to take the time to pause and tell yourself that you SHOULD feel proud when you go against him. He is trying to strip you of your happiness. You are trying to re-instate that you deserve that happiness.

Because you do. You truly 100% do.

No shame. No guilt.

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What is one thing you have done for yourself lately that you discredited because it was silly? I had Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice cream at Baskin Robbins with my Nana and Papa last night. Yes, it was partially because they didn’t have a second caramel flavour, but I have actually kinda been craving it for a few weeks but have been afraid to have it because it’s one of the highest fat ice creams they have. But I ate it and those peanut butter ribbons were delicious… just as I remember.

-Chelsea

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28 thoughts on “Baby Steps, Baby Steps

  1. Thank you for the trigger warning. I don’t have an ED, never have, but I do think I had disordered eating. SO while I am able to read such posts I know many cannot and far too often online, in the media etc I think people forget that some things can be very harmful in ways we do not know to others. Keeping you in my prayers ❤

    • Yes, I was editing it and realized that some of my thoughts may be something that come off scary or harsh. It’s something that I want to share but I know that I want to protect those that are in more vulnerable places and I hope that by posting that in advance that I can prevent any negative feelings. That is not what my blog is for and I want to keep my readers safe 🙂

  2. I thnk no matter what is going on in your life small victories should be ceebrated.

  3. I love how you used the word “stupid” because sometimes I cannot think of any other word to use to describe my thoughts with my addiction to laxatives. I don’t restrict, I don’t binge, I don’t purge- that is my vice.

    • It’s true. You know they are not good for you or they are not doing anything for you but simply feeding that “I did what I was told.” It can be comforting just to not fight and just do as usual but you have to step out of your comfort and push a lil bit harder. I’m sorry you are dealing with that issue, but please fight that urge. It’s not going to be perfect and you are going to fall backwards sometimes especially because your body is probably now dependent on them (depending on the length of time this vice has keep it’s strangle hold on you for). You’re probably going to want to just continue because the feelings without them are going to suck as your body tries to re-adust to not having that help. Keep fighting and know that it gets better and your body will thank you so much for your hard work!. Good luck

  4. I think being afraid of hunger is a natural human instinct- we don’t want to go hungry and when we are we NEED to eat. You wouldn’t be able to do your exam hungry. Thank you for walking us through your thought process- it helped me get clear about mine.

    • I’m glad you could get something positive from that as I was worried it was a bit harsh. For sure, I know our bodies definitely have a way of showing us they don’t appreciate being left unfed thats for sure. I’m glad I did it and proud because I know that it just would have messed up my day (when I get hungry I get really hungry really fast because of my lack of storage right now and it ends up blowing out my stomach…icky I know) and possibly my exam.

  5. Chelsea, I know this is focused on your food but your continuous lack of sleep worries me (I am coming soley soley as a place of empathy and compassion). I know you nap ❤

  6. Thank you so much for this post. My mind has said that (and worse- which I am sure you may have ffaced too). I am so so so so sorry you’re dealign with all this, but know that posts like this an your honesty wll help save lives. PS: Is Renee’s a dressing brand you would recommend?

    • Thank you so much and I’m sorry your mind has been so nasty to you. Always fight to shut it out, I mean what good does listening to all that negativity really do for your life. It’s hard, but it’s worth it! As for the dressing, from what I read, it seems very legit and more natural then many other bottled dressings. Like I mentioned, I still struggle with buying pre-made things, but most often then not, dressings that are stored in the fridge even before being opened are going to be better for you due to containing less to no preservative chemicals (which is why they have to be stored in the fridge despite being unopened). They don’t have added sugars or things you cannot pronounce. I would recommend 🙂

  7. I read this with tears in my eyes. Happiness is something I’m striving for about a bout of depression. I am trying to practice grattitude. Depression is my “ED”. For me, I suffer thoughts like “oh I’m happy now, but wait until life fucks it up” or “ew, why are you happy now”. While I’m not trying to lessen your struggle, what I am going through has the same thoughts to fight, my goal is just to live my ife the best I can etc. Thank you!

    • Keep fighting miss you deserve it! You deserve all the happiness in the world. You are not meant to fail. You were not born to be always criticizing yourself and waiting to not doing something ‘right.’ You were born to live. I’m so sorry you are struggling with Depression and I can understand how similar those thoughts are and relate to your struggles. Keep going with always knowing that you are you, perfect as you are and you do amazing things.

  8. I’m never speachless, but all I can say is thank you.

  9. You’re so amazing. Thak you for this

  10. I used to read your blog to lose weight- be like you- be more disciplined. BECAUSE of YOU I know I was actually bridging on disordered eating (not an ED, but food was on my mind 24/7, thoughts of losing weight were, all I read was diet/health blogs). Thank you for giving me the courage to want to change.

    • I’m so glad that you are turning the other way. I’m sorry that I originally had you thinking that this ‘disciplined’ way of life was better or something you should do. It’s so not and its something I’m working to get away from myself. This blog is about my journey but I never want it to send people in the wrong direction! Keep trekking on that healthy mindset track and I’m so glad that I could help in any way to turn your towards the brighter side. ❤

  11. Thank you for sharing your words and linking up! Keep on fighting the good fight, Chelsea!

  12. This post is wonderful. So often I tell myself what I did was not enough, that somehow I should be doing more. For my health, for my running, for my job. Sometimes it’s ok just to be average. Sometimes it’s ok to congratulate yourself for just getting through a situation, not just because you totally rocked it. Some days all we can do is a little bit, and that it just enough.

  13. Amen!!! Many days I keep repeating, ‘One day at a time sweet Jesus…’ 🙂

    • yes sometimes you need to take those baby steps to be able to keep’er going in overwhelming times. It’s okay to move at a slower pace and then to congratulate yourself for making those small footsteps further. You are farther then you were and that should always be celebrated

  14. I think you captured thoughts beautifully! Thank you for sharing.
    I loved reading this 🙂

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