Monday thoughts coming at ya as I just finished my first exam this morning at 8:30am…and I’m slightly exhausted..and needed to mentally drain and recharge. So, to do so, I spent most of this afternoon gymmin it up (as usual 😉 but Rita came along too this time!), taking a much needed nap, eating some lobster for dinner and now chattering with you.
Hope that’s okay with you all. 😀
My exam was my online course and to be quite honest, I now officially know that I really dislike online courses because I just can’t be bothered to keep up with the readings…
Which leads me to cramming more then I would like for the exam.
I think it went fine, but I just don’t like how much more effort I had to put into studying for it then was really needed if I had kept myself on top of the four gazillion readings each week.
Do you like online courses?
Anyways, the reason for this post was a link up with zee typical Recovery Round-Up courtesy of Lord Still Loves Me.
I really like doing these because it creates a safe outlet and a pool of resources. Not to mention, it’s where we can share our challenges (so that we can get assistance and loads of support and love to get through them) and our wins.
Much love to our hostess, Julia, for starting it up.
I made some progress this weekend.
I had my #CheatMeal and it wasn’t ice cream.
….and yes I shouldn’t be calling it a cheatmeal or anything really, but that what those ‘eating out once a week’ meals are to me as of right now.
I had been wanting to try the elk burger at The Works for quite some time now but just always went with my ice cream. One, because I love it and Two, because it was ‘safe’
So does that mean I have officially gotten over my fear of ice cream?
Instead, it has become more of a habit. One that I’m getting better with, but still have some guilt. So it’s really become a safe fear or safe cheat if you will.
That is what I wanted to talk about today, is this idea of ‘safe fear foods’
because as weird as that sounds, they do in fact exist and make some level of sense.
A fear food is one that gives you great anxiety.
It over consumes your thoughts when you are going to have it.
For me, when I first started my #IceCreamChallenge every Friday I would legit start to worry about having it on the Monday before. I would start thinking that:
I must be unhealthy because I want something that is not good for my body.
I should be ashamed because I’m not eating healthy
What if this makes my stomach hurt?
What if I feel way too full…
Does that mean I had a binge?
Does 2 scoops of ice cream mean I had a binge???!?
Normal people don’t need 2 scoops of ice cream…
I must then conclude that I’m an unhealthy, weak, elephant and I should feel bad.
Sounds awful now that I write it on paper…err…share it to the internet world.
Now, 4 months later, some of those thoughts are still very apparent but the physical anxiety (sleeping issues, tight chest, etc) have mostly been non-existent.
You may think that is a good thing and maybe I’m making progress, and yes, that is progress in a sense (less guilt), but I was given a harsh reality kick when my housemate begged me to finally try the burger place out (which I swear I did really want to try!) and made me break my weekly habit of indulging in my safe cheat.
And so, the over consuming thoughts began once again.
So, that leaves me with the question:
Have I actually made progress in accepting the ice cream as something I CAN and DESERVE to have without guilt
Have I become more desensitized to it and that is why I’m mentally handling it better?
I pondered. I pondered some more.
I concluded that I think it’s a bit of both. Yes, it’s a habit and for the person who doesn’t like change, when change does occur, I become all kinds of freaked out once again.
This means I have to challenge myself and try out other ‘fears’.
But that doesn’t mean I should give up my ice cream either because I do think I’m actually starting to believe, just a lil bit, that I can have ice cream because I like it.
Also because when I skipped it for 2 weeks, the anxiety popped up again…Damn ED.
So yes, you can have fear foods that are deemed safe in your eyes. They are habits that you have formed and that makes you feel safer eating them. The challenge is to realize that this is true (instead of saying you hate everything else…) and step out of your comfort zone to make yourself feel uncomfortable once in a while.
I will have to return to The Works soon, one because I want my parents to try it (they love Chucks just as much as I do) and two because I did enjoy it and I shouldn’t restrict to simply one choice of things I enjoy.
To end on another positive note…
I kept the addition of the sautéed mushrooms and onions on my burger order despite them telling me they were cooked in a bit of butter.
Butter is something I haven’t touched (knowingly..) since I was forced to eat it in treatment. It’s a major fear for me and something I don’t think I will ever use willingly ever again.
I literally had a mild anxiety moment as the waitress waited for my response to her question…
Do you still want them?
Yes, yes I took them because a burger is not a burger without those mushrooms and onion in my eyes. I resisted the urge to not be satisfied with my order due to that component. That is where the majority of the guilt stemmed from for that meal and hopefully the next time I will not be as anxious.
Baby steps, but this week I challenged my safe fear food place.
…and I won.