Lil Miss Fitness Freak

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"

Recovery Means Breaking Rules

7 Comments

My Friends,

I wanted to join into a new link up party hosted by the lovely Julia over at Lord Still Loves Me because I love the message that she is trying to put forth.

The idea that Eating Disorders are nothing to be ashamed of.

They are nothing we should be afraid to talk about or embarrassed to admit that they have impacted our lives in any way, shape or form.

The truth is that they are an event. A horrible event mind you, but a point in our lives that challenged us.

This challenge though made us into who were are today, which is a person who is stronger and a person who hopefully sees and experiences life in a much more positive way because they have had some demons to face and squash.

So with that, here is my first entry into the link up party

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Thanks to Julia for starting it up and letting it be a safe space for all to share about their experiences that can include anything from triumphs, to challenges, to fears to breakthroughs.

Much love to everyone who joined into the party and to everyone reading these posts

This morning I broke a rule….

I broke a rule that ED had told me to never break.

Under the requirements of my nutrition increase, my coach added a whole tbsp and a half of extra nut butter to my breakfast on my training days.

A TABLESPOON AND A HALF.

Take that as you will, but for me this was a very scary thing despite loving all things nut butter.

I preach that fats are good for you (because they are!). I preach that everyone needs fats (which you do!) and that you shouldn’t be afraid of the ol’ saying:

Fat makes you fat.

Because it’s not true.

But I myself still struggle with how much I take in as well to be completely honest.

Not only did I have to deal with the very large increase (in my mind) but I also had to get past that pesky rule that holds me back…

You are allowed 2 tbsp tops on any given day..

Of course, less is always better because I can’t have you enjoying yourself too much…ED says with pleasure.

Do I know where this rule originated from?

No.

I know that one serving of nut butter is set as 2 tbsp but I don’t know how that got attached to a daily serving in my head.

Either way, it was (and will continue to be for now on) something I had to tackle this morning.

Info Tidbit: I have 1 tbsp + 1tsp in my ‘midnight snack’ every night and generally only 1/2 a tbsp in my oats in the morning. So jumping to 2tbsp in my oats alone is quite a leap for me.

I had to be strong enough to break that rule

Even if it meant mixing in the extra (which I NEVER DO because I like to eat it last) to hide it from myself, I had to try to get past it.

If I’m being completely honest once again, I only managed to add half more of what I was required to this morning but I have to cheer for myself for the fact that I still broke that rule and did make baby steps into conquering that fear.

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Tomorrow is a new morning and I’m determined to take on the full amount.

Recovery isn’t about being perfect. Recovery is like a pond of stepping stones. The distance between the stones may be different (i.e. the challenges we face may be more or less tough mentally and physically) which means that getting from one stone to the next may take more or less time BUT with each leap of faith, we are one step further into a place of freedom and happiness.

….One tbsp of nut butter at a time….

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Thanks for all of your continued support and love my family

Eating disorder related or not (as I hope many of your don’t go through one!), what is one rule you want to be able to break or one that you have broken (yay you!)?

-Chelsea

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7 thoughts on “Recovery Means Breaking Rules

  1. Go you! That is a huge win! It is uncomfortable for you, but not unsafe. Tomorrow you can push even more. I think it was smart of you to incorporate it on your training day. This way you can get used to it by justifying the extra amount with your training. Soon you wont be phased by the amount and able to just put in whatever you want. I think some people are scared that if they really put the amount of PB they wanted, they would never be able to stop. But trust me, you will be able to stop. Even for a self proclaimed PB lover (I eat it for at least two meals a day), there is a threshold and your body will stop you.
    Good luck tomorrow!

    • aww thanks Ellie! I love the positivity and support <3. It wasn't really my choice as my coach tells me what I eat on my training days haha. But yes, it's weird how something so simple and seemingly small can really effect a person who has ED tendencies. Always think of 'how much more' it is compared to what I'm used to and comfortable with and that makes me get anxious about feeling too full. For me the biggest thing is that fullness factor and that is what has always held me back. I know most of the time it's my mind in control telling me I'm more full as an incremental increase of half a tbsp for example shouldn't make me feel that much fuller but it does. Fear is a strong thing and can really affect you physcially aside from just the mental aspect.

  2. Pingback: Recovery Round-Up #2 - Lord Still Loves Me

  3. Congrats on your awesome recovery win! Often it’s those seemingly pointless “rules” that are the hardest to overcome. I remember the days when I wouldn’t allow myself ANY peanut butter because of how many calories it has. Although nut butter has now become a staple in my diet, I still challenge myself every morning and night by including it in my breakfasts and snacks. The biggest rule I broke though was “not eating after dinner.” Now I can’t live without a prebedtime snack!

    • Congrats on your win as well! I couldn’t imagine no peanut butter now. I wasn’t allowed to have it as a kid so I never knew what I was missing until after my hospitalization when I first tried it (after being allergy tested for peanuts and coming back negative). I will never go back. Yes the eating after dinner thing was a big thing to break for me as well. It’s so strange how these rules are something you don’t think about and just passively follow but trying to break them is this huge, emotional thing. I love my bedtime snack and I know that it’s feeling me up for my morning lifting session 🙂

  4. Love this post – so, so very relatable. Those “rules” are one of the most frustrating, irrational parts of the ED. Like you said, how do some of them even get so engrained in our head to begin with!? However they do, they sure do a good job of sticking their ground. It really takes doing the exact opposite of what the rule is telling you, and scary enough as that is, usually having to do it over and over and over again. I have rules that I’ve broken time and again and yet the notion of it being a “rule” still exists. Ugh. Tonight I realized I put “too much” peanut butter in my sauce for dinner. Anxiety definitely came barreling in, but I got through. Thanks for sharing!!

    • Thank you! Amazing job at overcoming that anxiety! It’s so true that we have to then tackle them head on and not just once either. IT sucks how much of a hold those have on us but we must be strong enough to push through and do it despite all of the worries and being scared.

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