Strength is something you earn.
Something you GAIN.
Something you have to go through hardship to achieve.
With strength comes the realization that you are patient and that you are competent.
You truly can put your fears aside and do what you tell yourself you can do…
….which is anything you put your mind to.
My friends, I briefly introduced my newest journey in my previous post, which was that the time had come where new changes were needed. My body has reached a point where I am no longer able to keep it afloat on my own and so I have reached out to my new coach, Mike for help.
This is my new journey and it is something that has to happen as I have no choice but to go up or my health could take a turn for the worst.
Please let me tell you that none of this was intentional. I did not plan to loose weight, in fact, loosing in any way makes me incredibly anxious because obviously, as you can see, it’s too hard for me to put it back on. The issue with recovery is that if you’re not always on your guard, certain fears can cloud your judgement and let things slip away from you.
So what are these changes?
Well I can’t go into full detail because as soon as Mike gets me acclimatized to a bit more food (addition of two more meals to my day) to stretch my stomach a bit and to ensure I don’t mentally get too overwhelmed, he is completely taking over and not wanting me to know much about my macros and such. Basically he will be giving me a meal plan and I just have to weight it out and eat it.
The process is supposed to be mindless for me because when my mind gets involved, things become more difficult.
What I do know (and appreciate!) is that he believes in real food. No dirty bulking here. Clean, real foods just in greater amounts. Of course, if I get to a point where the thought of more food is making me ill (which he said will happen because my metabolism is quite efficient it seems and ‘cleaner foods’ require a lot of volume for a tiny belly to eat), other foods will have to be introduced because I just have to get the calories in.
Aside: He did explain to me how these ‘other foods,’ like going out for burgers and such, are not dirty foods. He’s not sending me to Mc’D’s so they are still quality, whole foods, just those that are more calorically dense. This idea that ‘going out to eat’ and still eating clean, real foods is going to be a major mental hurdle for me as right now I have my one ‘cheat meal’ every week and I still struggle with that.
So yeah, more food is a given.
As far as training, he is dropping me to 4 days a week.
This is a real kicker for me because my training is my passion and even to take my one rest day a week is hard enough for me. It’s my love to be in the gym every morning not because I feel I have to be, but because I truly love to be there.
Of course, I have to be aware of the fact that at least I’m still getting to train and still train hard in those times as a dietician would laugh at the thought. I should be thankful but during the initial stages where I know full on that I will be quite overwhelmed with change, I might be stuck in Negative Nancy Mode focusing on what I’m loosing rather then thinking positive.
Just being real with you all.
I wanted to share this with you all because you are a form of support for me and I want to be real and honest with you. Many of you have opened up with your own stories with me, which I am truly touched by because in some way you feel as though you can talk to me about such an intimate part of your life. Furthermore, I want my experiences to be able to help others as well so I really hope I have the ability to share my everyday thoughts and feelings with you to really bring you with me.
This is going to be a very hard process for me. I’m going to cry. I’m going to get moody. I’m going to have those days where I want to just give in and go back to what I was doing because I’m tired of fighting back.
But really, by giving in to my head, where am I getting myself? Right back in the hole I’m in now.
Lost strength in the gym
Not liking the way I look because I’m too small
Being self conscious of people looking at me because I assume they think I look gross and sick.
I need to be strong and put my big girl panties on and push through. I have to be especially strong because I have to do it kind of on my own now while I’m here living away from home. Of course I have my parents a phone call way, Mike is obviously there and the love and support of those around me (thanks you guys!) but this is a journey that is very heavily dependent on my own will and determination because I am the one who has to physically do it at the time.
Mike is a bodybuilder. He’s not out to make me fat. He is here to get me healthy. He is here to steer me into knowing how much food my body needs to perform in the gym like the athlete I want to be. He will also help me attain that physique that I have been pushing so hard for (yes, you cannot say something is completely void of aesthetic goals).
I say that, now I just need to stop thinking otherwise.
This is my starting point. There is no way but up from here. It’s going to be very mentally tough for me but only good things can come from regaining control over my body and my health.
Mike, here are the reins, I will try my hardest to give all of my control up to you.
Normally one might say be gentle, but hell, an ED needs a drill sergeant to break down that concrete wall of fears and control issues to get anything done.
Before I leave you all, I wanted to make one more comment as it was something my Mom brought up earlier…
“I hope you don’t feel as if you failed.”
This was a tough thing to hear because it was simply saying out loud what I was thinking at that moment. Do I think I failed? In a sense I think I did because I told myself I would never let this take me again.
But then I thought about it more and it hasn’t ‘taken me’ this time per say but, instead, I have slipped back due to unintentional losses and then I was just too stubborn and/or scared to ask for help. It’s a set back (yes a HUGE set back) in my recovery, but something I’m still fully aware is happening.
Let me show you the difference.
When my ED started when I was 16 and I entered the hospital I was gone. Like legit gone. I don’t really remember the first few months except for the fact that I just thought I was fat and that I was doing this for my parents because I didn’t see or think anything was wrong with me. My mind had been taken over and Chelsea had been kicked out of the building.
Fast forward to today where I stand taking before shots of myself in a bikini for Mike to use as a representation of my beginning point and I see a frail, scrawny girl and it makes me cringe. My fears have led me to this point but my mind is still fully aware of what is going on. I see myself for what I am now whereas before I didn’t.
I reached out for help this time
I want to look healthier this time because I don’t want to look sick anymore.
This is different and I know that if I put my stubborn, driven mind to this goal, I can reach it no matter how many times I want to cry and fight back through this process.
This is my choice and I’m going to do it. I promise that to myself.
Thank you for being my safe space to share and being there to keep me accountable. I can only hope that this can help others as well.
Kind of a heavy topic for Thinking Out Loud, but hey, we are supposed to set our thoughts free right? Thanks you Amanda for hosting.