Lil Miss Fitness Freak

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"

The Only Voice That Should Never Speak

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Screen shot 2015-02-27 at 9.40.10 AMClick on the thumbnail for the link to the video.

This is an amazing video to really sum up the points of this post friends. There have been many posts floating around the foodie blogger world lately all related to NEDA week

And I’m not trying to just jump on the bandwagon here. I truly think that being aware of this growing issue is very important. Eating disorders are so often misunderstood and judged as simply a choice or a cry for attention but the real issues are much, much deeper then that.

I have a very hard time looking past peoples judgements of this awful disorder due to lack of understanding, but perhaps that is because I know so much about the psychology behind these disorders and mental illness in general. I will say that I hope you choose to educate yourself rather then make hurtful judgments and comments because an eating disorder is not as simple as someone refusing to eat. Here’s a lil list of factoids for ya to show you just how serious and HARD this illness really is.

Did you know?

  • As far as total deaths related to mental illness, eating disorders are the number one killer of adolescent girls. It is estimated that 10% of individuals with [anorexia] will die within 10 years of the onset of the disorder (NEDIC, 2014).
  • There are line-ups of emaciated and dying boys and girls to get treatment. We just don’t have enough services to help all of the individuals plagued by this disorder.
  • Its not always all about food. Most often it has to do with control. Many individuals use food as their way to control something when they perceive the rest of their lives to be out of their control. Family issues is a common contributing factor to eating disorder tendencies.
  • It’s not a female issue. More and more males are being affected as well.
  • Those haunted by this disorder are truly haunted. There is a point where rational thought has left the individual and they are simply unable to truly see themselves as sick and unable to fight back the voice (compulsions) that is making them present the disordered behaviours

For more stats and tidbits, visit NEDIC here.

To follow-up that last point, I just want to add that THAT is why you cannot and should not judge an individual inflicted with an eating disorder (or any mental illness). It is not their choice. They have not chosen to harm their bodies in the manner that they do. They are simply not strong enough emotionally to fight back against the obsessive compulsive nature of the disorder.

They are literally in a battle with their own head. Do you know how hard it would be to try to turn your thoughts off? How exhausting that would be? Think about that for a second.

I have a lot of experience with eating disorders….

  • I have done research on children’s eating disorders during my first undergrad degree at McMaster University.
  • My thesis was on Binge Eating Disorder (BED).
  • I have many friends who have and, unfortunately, continue to, suffered with the grips of this disorder.
  • And well, I have a secret that I’m finally ready to share with you guys..

I apologize that they are so long (both part 1 and part 2) but that’s because they were difficult for me to record and because they are never scripted. I just let my thoughts flow. Click on the thumbnails for access to the videos. I hope you stick around for the full run through, but I can understand if 20 minutes is too long for you.

NEDA symbol part 1

And part 2, once again, clicky on the thumbnail. NEDA symbol part 2I have held this back for so long not because I’m ashamed of what I went through, because I’m not, but rather, because I have been afraid of what my friends (who I didn’t know through the ordeal) would think of me once they knew. I was afraid that they would think of me differently. Perhaps, they would speak to me differently or feel the need to not say certain things around me if it at all relates to eating disorders or body image related things.

I guess I was afraid to be seen as a victim of sorts because I’m not.

Yes I went through hell and back. Yes, I hit rock bottom in my life, but you know what?

That was ONE part of my life and for it, I’m a much stronger person. As I mentioned in my video, I have grown so much from that experience because I learned more about myself and my abilities during that struggle then I have throughout my whole life.

I am me because of that event. I am me because I made it through. I fought and I fought damn hard. I pulled through. I lived.

Yes, I continue to fight that voice every day because it never fully shuts up no matter how ‘recovered’ one is. He still likes to creep in when I’m vulnerable (like during exam stress) and make me feel small and weak again. When that happens it’s my job now to know that my body gave me a second chance to live and I’m not letting anything take that away from me.  I have worked too hard for that.

I also have help. I have my friends and my family there even when they don’t know it to help get me through those tougher times when I’m feeling overwhelmed. For that, I can never give enough thanks.

I also have you guys. This lil blog spot where I can say what I’m feeling is such a release for me and it only makes me even more happy that I can relate to you and help any of you beautiful people in any way. You too are my support system and for that as well, I thank you.

I can only hope that now that you understand my quirks and know that I am here to provide a listening ear to anyone who is struggling and needs help. No one is ever alone! I also hope you all know how much you mean to me. After all, I just spilled the biggest and hardest secret of my life to the world to you all and I hope that I haven’t scared you away. I’m human just like all of you and have my own struggles and my own demons to deal with. The main point is that I’m trying, forever growing and striving to reach a point where I can finally say….

I hope that this post has resonated with you all and please please please promise me that before you start to form a judgement about anyone with a mental illness, stop and think about why you are doing that. In most cases, you will come to realize that you are judging simply because you don’t understand and we don’t like to feel like we don’t know something.

Much love and thank you again for always being an amazing audience to share my thoughts and feelings with.

XO

Here is an interesting article to read up if you’re interested. Also, never be shy to chatter back at me in the comments.

Pause. Hover over submit. Take a deep breath. Publish. Done.

-Chelsea

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78 thoughts on “The Only Voice That Should Never Speak

  1. You make me proud! It’s not easy opening up, but honestly I’m sure it feels good no longer having to hide! If anything they should think you are stringer, not weaker! One good thing that came from us having Eds is meeting each other! Btw can I read your BED thesis?? Can’t wait to watch the videos later (when I’m not in the library!)

    • Thanks so much Molls, sorry the super late reply on this message, I finally have answered all of the comments I feel behind on! 😀 but I sent you my BED thesis way back when so I hope you enjoyed it 🙂

  2. This was amazing I cried while reading it…felt like Someone was reading my story to me. People do not realize how serious and deadly eating disorders are, I would not wish one on my worst enemy. Recovery is possible though 🙂

    • They seriously are, but most don’t understand because they have no way of appreciating the struggles due to never having been through it. I would also never wish it upon anyone and it truly makes me sad when I see someone heading down that dark road. I wish I could shake them and make them see what they will be putting themselves through if they don’t turn around before its too late. I’m sorry it made you cry but I’m glad that you felt something from it! 🙂 I really hope that you are living your life now and that those demons have let you go at least to a manageable degree!

  3. A story I can relate to as I was anorexic for many years. At 57 I still feel as though I’m not enough. Not enough for anything or anybody. But no longer anorexic.

    • You are enough. You are more then enough. All you can be is you. You beat anorexia! Do you know how hard that is? How huge that is? You beat the voice that hardly anyone is able to beat. Pride should be what defines you. Strong is what defines you. I understand that it’s hard for you to accept, but I hope that eventually you can see yourself as the wonderful person you are and know that you are worthy because you are. You should be happy, it’s your right and your earned it with the hell you were put through with the ED. ❤

  4. Chelsea…you are wonderful. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable but your honesty is absolutely beautiful. I have gone through a very similar situation and you are such an inspiration. Your courage to share about your health and personal struggles is why this is my favorite blog. Thank you! Stay strong beautiful lady!

    • Thank you so much! I’m so glad you benefited from this video. I can only hope that you are not dealing with that situation anymore because it’s not fun and it steals your joy. Live your life happy. From one Chelsea to another 🙂

  5. I cried reading this and wish I was as brave as you. Sending a big hug your way, C 🙂

  6. When I was recovering from anorexia I began binge eating, much more extreme than what you describe (which actually led to bulimia) but I can totally empathise with you how you feel. Gaining weight and feeling healthy can be achieved, and it feels so much better then when you feel sluggish. I can honestly say that from photos you look amazing, if I thought differently I’d just say nothing! It’s really important not to beat yourself up, it will only leaving you want more comforting food! Weekly meal planning might help? It helped me throughout the various stages of recovery and it keeps me on the straight and narrow in every sense these days! 🙂

    • Thanks so much for your comments. Feeling healthy is definitely a much better feeling then when you are sick and weak! I will never let myself get back to that place ever. I lost so much. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I’m so glad that you are on a better path now. Keep strong and thanks for the suggestions!

  7. Your honesty is so brave-thank you for sharing! I’m sorry that you went through this but it’s great that you recognize what’s going on and are taking positive steps to change it. I’m sure things are definitely on the upswing 🙂

  8. We are all human and all fall into traps like that. Heck, I feel like that’s a battle every weekend for me! Too much alcohol, too much bad food, not enough exercise. So, I start the week off on the right foot only to repeat the process again. My poor body. But the important thing is that you recognize what you are doing and you are making changes to improve your physical and emotional health. That right there is success! So celebrate the first success, that will surely turn into more success and a happier you down the road. 🙂

    • For sure! Thank you for your positivity, it’s refreshing 🙂 There is a time and a place for everything in moderation, but be careful not to make your weekend a gong show haha. It can still be stressful on the body 🙂

  9. Your experiences on your ED have been really eye opening and I thank you for being so candid with us. I’m sorry you have been struggling with things, but the good news is that things are back on the regular…and that should really be the most important thing. I totally understand the body image thing, I’m currently going through that and it is incredibly frustrating and I feel like its unfair. Although I know I’m being silly by thinking this way. I’m hoping you get back to feeling amazing, because regardless of your size or weight you are a beautiful person who is so kind and an incredible person!

    • Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope that you are able to fight back those body image thoughts and never think that you are being silly. Those thoughts are very real and it’s more of a sad thing because it makes our lives not as happy as they can be. Post something on your mirror or fridge that reminds yourself of the things you love about yourself. Think internal things. Because sometimes we need physical reminders before we can truly believe it in our minds. Good luck and I hope you and your beautiful self are soon able to say more positive things about yourself because you are just that…beautiful!

  10. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you. I cannot even thank you enough for sharing this with me. I dont want to go too deep into my situation as I am not as brave as you, but trust me- this post may have changed my life.

    • I’m so happy that it was beneficial to you and I wish you the most luck and strength on your own journey. Fight fight fight. You deserve to be happy and if you ever feel ready and need a person to vent your feelings to, I can understand where you are coming from and you can totally reach out to me. XO

  11. While I do not understand what you are going through and am in a different boat, I am in the process of trying to gain a few pounds. With my newly vegetarian and sometimes vegan (3 days a week) diet, I dropped a lot pounds…enough to the point of where I am technically “underweight.” I decided about a week ago that I really need to put on a few pounds to be healthier, look better, and fit into my clothes better. I am doing my best to take in extra calories by choosing healthy foods and healthy fats. But I too, feel tempted at times to stray from this. I am telling myself that I can enjoy extra calories and fats in “bad” ways in moderation, but I mostly plan on sticking to the “good” ways to gain weight. Thank you for sharing your update. It is a good reminder of how we can all get off track a bit at times, but can most certainly bounce back into good eating and exercising habits for the good of our body AND our mind. You’ll be back on track in no time, I am sure! Smile! 🙂

    • Good on your girl for knowing what your body needs! I’m so proud! Try not to think of foods as bad or good because food shouldn’t be a thing of stress. That is something I constantly struggle with as well, but food shouldn’t be viewed negatively. You are soo good with knowing what you need and for that be proud of yourself! You will bounce back from this and you know what you need to do. Good luck, but I know that you will do the right thing. Again, great job and keep trekkin ❤

  12. I truly appreciate your honesty in sharing all your thoughts and feelings as you find a balance of all these changes.
    I also stopped having my period for about one year when I was in high school (due to anorexia). I remember when I had started getting my period again, I knew I was “healthy” again, but saw that I had gone from 98 pounds to 130 pounds (healthy weight for someone who’s 5 ft 7in) and I became depressed. My body felt so foreign to me. I was used to being tiny and even though I was looking healthy and my hair was growing in again, I was an emotional mess.
    The one thing I didn’t do was talk about all this with my friends for fear that they wouldn’t understand me. I’m so so glad to see that you have the courage to share these struggles with us and to be so vulnerable and honest. Thank you so much!

    • I’m so glad that this video was helpful. If you ever need someone to talk to, definitely never feel to shy to reach out to me! I remember that time really well. After leaving the hospital weight restored I hated my body because while they make you physically healthy during the refeed hospital process, fixing your mind is not something they can really make a dent in. So you leave weight restored but your mind is still in a very negative place. Be proud that this alone did not cause you to spiral back into old ways because most are not as lucky. The relapse rate is about 70-80% unfortunately and I totally blame it on the fact that psychologically we are still so fragile when we leave and are left to fight on our own with our ‘new bodies’

      I really hope that you are doing much better now emotionally! Good luck with your continued journey. Never give up, you deserve to live happy.

  13. I can relate to you on SO many levels because there was once a point in my life when I struggled with an eating disorder and now I have gained the appropriate amount of weight. However, because I have gained the weight, I also started having fun and indulging more often than I’d care to admit. I am now in a place where I am trying to really bring my ‘balance’ back and become comfortable with what I eat and when I workout.

    • Finding balance is something everyone struggles with. It’s a really hard concept that sounds so easy. I’m sorry you went through an ED but just know that are in a much better place being out of that life! You will find balance eventually not to worry. 🙂 Good Luck!

  14. Chelsea-– your honesty throughout your while jouney has been inspiring and I admire you for being willing to share with your readers!

  15. Good for you for making the decision to feel good again, whatever that means for you! I honestly think you look great in all of your recent pictures!

  16. Chelsea, I think we have known for a while. Thanks for being honest.

  17. I actually couldn’t finish watching your videos because of the emtoions it brought up, but I had to comment nevertheless. Chelsea, from day one you’ve set this blog up to teach, support and love your readers, and this post is why for the past year (maybe 2) I have been doing nothing but praying for your success. You’re honesty is something not many could ever do.

  18. It is because of you that tomorrow I will tell someone my truth and seek help.

    • You have no idea how much that touched me. I hope you make that promise to yourself and keep it knowing that happiness is around the corner when you can get the support you need to let go of those demons. I wish you all the best and I hope you will see those greener pastures soon! Xo

  19. I love your honesty – it’s why I love your blog! Even though I’m not experiencing an ED, I so appreciate everything you share because I know you’re helping so many women who ARE experiencing Ed, or who might in the future. I’m sending well wishes your way!

    • Thank you so much1 I really hope that it can help others, as that was my main purpose for sharing, other than being more transparent for you guys. No one should be afraid to share things that have occurred in their life. Good or bad, we learn and grow into better versions of ourselves by going through them.

  20. Thanks for sharing your story with us and being so honest. I haven’t gone through this myself but I’m sure you have to kind of take it one day at a time and it sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Best wishes!

  21. Chelsea, thank you so so much for sharing. I have a past of an eating disorder (I was never formally diagnosed with anorexia as I was never thin enough), but I definently was unhealthy. My goal was always ‘500 calories’- if I had 501 I’d cry. It then went down to 300 calories. I lost 25 lbs super quickly and I was getting compliments. As a former ballerina, I thought what I was doing was healthy. I begun passing out a lot and yet, each hospital visit I was not diagnosed. I remember going to the hospital and praying that just once I’d be told I was anorexic- not to get help, but to be ‘thin enough’. This went on for 2 years, until finally a loved one passed away. I turned to food to cope. I then developed binge eating disorder. Luckily, a year later I was able to walk to my doctor and tell her that I was afraid because my eating wasn’t normal. As I’m sure you know form your thesis, binge eating disorder is often not considered a real disorder. Each day since I have prayed for someone to take me seriously. I am not recovered but I am living. I no longer want to kill myself for being ‘fat’ and I can have a 5000 calorie binge and still smile. BUT because of this post and because of your message, I no longer need the validation from others that I am ill enough. I will work towards my recovery, because if you can, so can I.

    • I’m so sorry that you went through that and are still suffering with it. I hope that it’s a lot more manageable these days and that you are staying strong and fighting back with as much power as you have the energy to give. You have a right to be happy. It’s scary when we look back and realize how irrational our thoughts and rules were, but they were very real for us at the time. I’m so glad that you know that they were not right now and that you are not trapped by them anymore like you were.

      I’m am so unbelievable happy that my video was in any way helpful to you. Work hard, it’s going to be hard but you are fighting for your right to be happy and healthy! Also never feel like you are alone. You need support and so I hope you have someone to talk to and if you feel as if you don’t have someone that can understand and you feel comfortable venting to, you can always contact me!

  22. I first just have to tell you that I love ya. I love how open & honest you are. I love that you don’t try to sugar coat it. & I love that you are REALISTIC about the situation. Second, I *think* I may know what you are going through (or rather were going through) & I am so sorry you had to deal with that. Although I’m hoping it’s not that…I think it may be :/Just know you have a ton of support & lots of people rooting for you!
    Much love ❤

    • Thank you so much for the love and support. I want to be someone to help other through my experiences so I want to be as open as possible so others can see and learn from my mistakes and my journey. I hope that what you are going through is coming to an end so you can live happily and free. ❤

  23. Stay strong! Everything you are doing and realizing now will pay off. I love how honest you are – we are all human and we all make mistakes, the beauty comes from realizing our mistakes and working to better ourselves. And honestly, nothing you are doing (at least in my book) even qualifies as a mistake – life is too short to be anythign but happy, and if that means having a bowl of ice cream every once in a while, then so be it! Keep it up girl, you are an inspiration for your readers!!!

  24. You are incredible. It takes so much to admit and discuss the things you do. I won’t go ahead and say I know how you feel because I certainly don’t, but I have been in a terrible food routine as of late and I have also been feeling very BLAH! It’s ridiculous how the body works. The more crap you give it, the more it craves. It’s so easy to get into a rut. It’s so important to make that distinction between healthy fats and unhealthy fats and how different they both make you feel. I look forward to hearing about your transformation. You got this!

    • Thank you so much for your support! The body is interesting eh? All of those fake foods we make these days are just not something it’s used to so it tends to try to deal with them as best as it can but it leaves us craving them because they are novel. Sugar for example. Do we need refined sugar? No. But it’s highly addictive as it runs off of the same structures as our natural reward systems. Crazy how those tied together and now work against us.

  25. I am so speechless. You are a beautiful person inside and out. (and I do not even know you personally)

  26. Yesterday I ate 17 calories. Today I ate 4900. How do I know? Because I have been counting calories since I was 14 years old. And every single time I go over my ideal number of 300 calories, I’ve hated myself. Every. Single. Day since I was 14 years old. I am now 22. And yet no one else knows because I am 25 lbs overweight. But that does not mean I do not struggle. You have taught me just in a 20 minute video, that I need to work on myself.

    • I’m so sorry that you are struggling. I hope that those voices can allow you to live your life a lil bit more free day by day. I know it’s hard and I know it’s easier to give in because trust me I have been there. Those voices are loud and sometimes you are just too tired to fight back. Find something that can fuel you to keep fighting. It can be something that others may say is less important than focusing on your health as a driver but you just need something that is important for you to keep holding on and pushing forward when times get really hard.

      This may not mean anything to you right now because you’re not ready to accept it yet but never ever feel bad for fueling your body properly. 300 calories, that ideal your brain is preaching you for is starvation. It may seem gruesome but that voice is not on your side and wants you to be miserable and in a way it is trying to hurt your physically. Don’t let it. Tell it you have a right to live. Better yet, you have the right to live, be free and be happy! XO

  27. I couldn’t make it to the first 3 minutes without bursting into tears. Because as someone with a past of mental health issues and not really an eating disorder (but disordered eating), I knew where the post was going to go. For my own health reasons, I couldn’t finish wathcing which I am sure you would understand. However, I need to tell you how much this will this will change someone’s life.

    • I’m speechless that it moved you to that degree. I apologize that it upset you like it did, but I can only hope that it was beneficial in some way shape or form as I wouldn’t want it to just leave a bad taste in your mouth by bringing up past struggles! I do understand fully though and would never say anything otherwise if you couldn’t finish it and I do hope that it can help someone out there 🙂 ❤

  28. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing this was.

  29. When you said that you had to be perfect in school or your body- this hit home because this is what I struggle with although not to the extreme you did. Thank you for your honesty. As someone who is type A with unhealthy eating habits (just an overall obsession with calories which leads to binge eating)… how do you workout and measure food and count macros and do all that without going back to your disordered eating?

    • I’m so glad that it was able to be helpful in any way. It’s so sad how there are so many people who have to suffer with perfectionism that has been turned onto themselves. It makes life too hard and less enjoyable. I hope that it is something that isn’t always on your mind and you can live your life more and never suffer for it! Counting macros and weighing is a double edged sword because I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t allow for you to become obsessive (which is why I never advocate regimented macro counting unless you have a damn good reason to, because it can lead to obsession and a loss of proper perception of food) BUT I need to do it now because I’m not ready to eat intuitively. If it isn’t weighed out, I will subconsciously take things away for fear that I will be too full. So I need that level of control to make sure I giving my body enough especially now that I’m trying to gain weight. If it’s logged and weighed, I have to eat it. Thats that. No opportunity for my mind to tell me to remove something because it’s what I need.

  30. I had an eating disorder as a teenager. With counseling and years of therapeutic and life-work, I emerged onto the other side. Falling into those patterns is easy though, especially when you’re desperate and seeking control.

    • Very true! When you are affected by disordered eating, unfortunately it’s not something that just goes away, it sticks around and waits until you are vulnerable to try to takes it place again. Stay strong and I’m so happy that you were able to get help and see the brighter side as many don’t ever make it there.

  31. This was beyond touching. As a male reader, we sometimes close our eyes to what messages or what females in our life go through.

    • Males definitely go through it as well, they are just hiddne most of the time as they keep it more to themselves. I’m glad I could show you the other side though! Thanks for the support 🙂

  32. You said all this, and I kept thinking ‘Chelsea, don’t cry’ expecting that you would. I was bawling. Because it hit far too close. I was never ever as ill as you. I cannot imagine ever being in that situation. I know my situation ruined parts of my life, but I cannot imagine going through yours. I am so so thankful you are better. I am so thankful you shared to let me know why each day, I am not a ‘failure’ for not being so ill… I prayed to be able to be as thin and as sick as others…. I was reminded today why I push daily to not be.

    • I almost did 😛 I’m sorry I made you cry!! I am glad that you could relate BUT I’m not glad that you went through that. No matter how extreme it gets, it’s still is something that negatively affects your life and takes over your thoughts which is unfortunate and not fair. Thinness should never be seen as a goal and I’m so glad that you are able to see that now. Keep strong and know how good a healthy body and MIND feels! 🙂 xo

  33. In high school I launched into a long string of yoyo dieting—restriction, overexercising, bingeing, purging, etc.—and wound up unhealthy, depressed, and miserable. As much as I wanted to recover and have boughts where I am… it wasn’t fully. You remind me why I must continue to take charge and started my recovery,

    • Its an ongoing fight that is for sure. It’s unfortunate and tiring at some points but always know in the back of your head that it’s there even it’s its quieter at that moment. Keep strong but I’m glad that you are in a better place. More better things to come!

  34. With the help of professionals, family, and friends, I got to the point where I was ready to move forward from just okay to somewhere awesome. That is what I’m all about: moving from good enough or getting by to healthy and happy.

  35. “I am me because of that event. I am me because I made it through. I fought and I fought damn hard. I pulled through. I lived.” i printed this off to put above my desk.

  36. Chelsea, you wrote how you didnt want udgement and well…it’s the opposite. I am ashamed to say how I judged you before. I loved this blog- you know that through my always comments & supports, but I always thought “wow, how can she never miss a day at the gym” or “why can’t she eat that ice cream if she claims to enjoy food in moderation”. It was out of jealousy since I overeat and I miss gym sessions. I admit to thinking you had a problem. And I am very very sorry for not thinking, you HAD a problem as in the past. I now can see how the gym helps you recover and fight daily. I now can wholeheardly understand why you can tell us to eat in moderation vut cannot do so yourself. I cannot even phantom how you’ve been able to answer questions about weight loss and such, when you struggled. ALl I can say is your video taught me compassion and it taught me the other side of things.How obsession can free you, and haunt you. I only hope I can be as strong as you. And I only can pray that by me being honest I have your forgiveness. I promise to never judge soemone else as I secretly did again.

    • First off, thank you for always being so supportive of my and my blog. I’m so glad you enjoy the content I put out! Second, don’t be sorry, I’m happy that you are feeling comfortable enough to be honest with me! It’s a tricky thing to understand when you haven’t gone through it so I have no hard feelings at all honestly. No forgiveness is needed as you did not hurt me. You were simply coming from a place of not being able to understand but you were open to learn, so you are in no way at fault for your thoughts 🙂

  37. Chelsea, thank you so much for being honest. Being around people who are recovering is often helpful, because it supports us on our journey towards recovery and reminds us that if they can do it, so can we. But it’s also triggering, and I apologize for triggering you by this message, but I think it is also a reminder. Yesterday, you were reminded of a bad time…and as much as that time sucks and we hate it and it was hell… there is comfort in it. The ED wants us to be in that place. And well… the entire time I watched your video I fought tears. And part of me felt like ‘well shit, she was so much worse than me of course she has a story to tell’…. and in a way I was jealous. I was jealous of the fact that my ED didn’t control me enough to ever bring me down to 69 lbs or go to the hospital. And yet the other part of me was so thankful I never put myself or family through that. You also said something I can relate to… even though you recovered & can eat & workout…you fight this every day. Everyday we have to fight the urges. And everyday we have to live in a world were eating disorders are a norm. And well,…I may never have been sick enough that people know, but I’m learning to accept that it doesn’t mean my ED is any less important & that my journey to recovery is less important or valid. Everyday Chelsea we have to fight. And as you know…the past month I’ve sucked at fighting. This entire past year I sucked at fighting. I stopped fighting. I didn’t give into anorexic thoughts, but I coped by binge eating. In a way I convinced myself binge eating isn’t as serious. You convinced me to try to live the life I want.

    • This message means so much to me. Thank you for being so transparent with your thoughts and trusting me in enough to say what you did. Thank you. I really hope that you are starting to take back your life and I hope your evil lil demon voice is quieting itself so you can enjoy that life! The thoughts are enough, it made me sad that you had that moment of jealousy because regardless of the fact that you were never that low in weight (I thank god for that!) that voice is still there and you suffer too. We do have to fight and I urge you to fight every day to never let it get the best of you. Perhaps you didn’t have as much control as you wanted this year, and yes, bingeing is just another form on disordered eating and should be seen in the same way as something like anorexia so it’s something that I hope you can fight it back, but everyone has their setbacks and their challenges. Never feel ashamed that bingeing happened. It happened and now it’s your time to help yourself move forward. Good Luck and stay strong. Also feel proud of how far you have come and that you have fought back the ED for as long as you have.

  38. My issue was an excersise addiction. Each day I have to monitor my activity to make sure I don’t get to that point. I understand the mind battle. I literally sometimes freak out when I’m in class because I’m forced to sit for such a long period of time. Thank you for being honest.

    • I completely understand where you are coming from. Exercise addiction was my issue as well and to this day I find I can’t get hungry if I’m not moving around all day. I feel lie my digestion is none existence if I’m not constantly going but rationally that it’s true. You mind is a powerful thing and unfortunately we just have to fight and expend more effort to keep our thoughts on the rational side of the line.

  39. I am speechless and in awe of the amount of strength it takes to write and record something like this. Chelsea, you are loved beyond words and I want to make sure you know that. Thank you for being a voice for those who are still hiding. You are my hero.

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